Morning dawn awakened me,
All I thought was you and me.
Thinking of the days gone by,
I think of the moments that make me cry.
I always wanted to be more than friends..
So I broke the ongoing beautiful trend..
Still remember those moments when we walked hand in hand.
How those flowery beds fell on sand..
All these beautiful things ended,
Leaving me emotionally strangled…
These memories are no longer prime,
For, it seems that I have committed a crime.
I have foreseen my life’s fate,
And have accepted sorrow as my soul mate.
I have nothing that I shall live for
As my love…my life has moved to a place that is far…
It is 1 hour into the new month, but there’s something that is not allowing me to lie down. Sitting in the dark, gazing at night’s stars with a pleasant wind brushing past my face makes me think of the past. Introspecting, I cannot find answers to many questions related to my life. Last year it was this very date, when I was in the train, on my way to meet someone very special but this year, all I can do is miss that person and those moments. Sometimes dreams are better than reality but in some situations you cannot dream and are compelled to face the reality….life has a strangled hold on us; it can kill us if we try to mould it in your own way. I did the mistake of moulding my life in a way that suited me and now, am struggling to cope with the emotional imbalance that is being brought about by changing the relationship status of a relation that meant everything to me.
I Avijit or Avi (gift by my friends) loved a girl named Arushi with my all and always thought that she also loved me with the same intensity. A college story which many of my friends called a ‘one sided’ love story. But I knew that she had the same feeling that I had for her. She never wanted to show those feelings or probably considered me good for flirt not for love.
I developed a crush on her since the day I saw her, and that crush transformed into infatuation, with both of us spending bulk of the time together I fell for her and I haven’t shown any recovery since that day. For me love was an alien thing till that day. Previously what I believed was, that love was a feeling, an attribute, an instinct, it ran in our blood come out from the heart and in the longer run complimented the mind. So in short everything in this world was love, this 4 letter world had the power to transform a person, to instil emotions in a nerd, to turn the whole aura surrounding you magical. Experiences are the backbones of our planning and understanding and eventually our evolution as an individual. I fell prey to this beautiful experience and trust me it’s a feeling that everyone should have a taste of. I remember the changes that it brought about in me when I was going through that magical spell. All my actions were aimed at making Arushi feel special, looking at the mirror around ten times a day and not to forget about planning the whole day so that I could spend some time with her, and moulding my schedule as per her requirement. Whenever I looked into her eyes I always found the feelings that made my heart fly so, with the motivation and love in my heart I made every possible effort to give her all happiness that I could afford.
Recollecting memories of a year and a half back: I was about to doze off and suddenly a HI peeped into my chat window. I knew that person was my crush but was still a stranger to my world of thinking and complexity. With sleepy mind, a thumping heart and a bit of nervousness, I replied with a HI and a smiley (.
In no time we started to chat and every time I saw her message it stirred up a storm of thoughts that whether she knows me as a person or is she just passing time? Well, to be true, at that time passing time seemed to be right. As the chat progressed, so were the topics and in fact in a chat of about an hour we had almost covered all the happening topics. I started to enjoy chatting and thought of adding chatting into my list of hobbies, as the chat lasted for around 4 hours and both of us were exhausted and bid goodnight (full of smileys as requested by my dear Arushi ). Recalling that first chat still brings a smile on my face I rue the fact that these moments shall perhaps never return.
College lectures were always boring, I was never keen on attending classes and sleep inviting slumpy lectures but it seemed that things had changed. Amusingly, I had become a regular attendee of college as I didn’t want to have a day without seeing her. (That strong is the magic of the girl you fall for!!). Each day, I would wait for the lectures to get over so that I could text her and strike a conversation or perhaps ask her out for coffee.
A month or so flew past, we became very close friends and she started to accompany me at the back benches, playing truth and dare or staring each other became our lessons that we learned at the lectures. Samarth (one of my close friend) had already started pairing me up with Arushi and even gave bums for what he considered a girl friend.
I started to work on different theories so that I could spend time with her or get a glimpse of her. I would ask for her lecture notes (which obviously were not of the best quality), but it allowed me to strike a conversation and an opportunity to meet her whenever I would return them. We used to talk for hours and she used to uplift my spirits whenever I felt low. With her positive views, she instilled in me the word HOPE. Exams came and we constantly studied on the phone (thanks to BSNL 300 topup) that allowed unlimited calls!!
When I look back at the things, those meetings, every message exchanged and the time spent, floods my mind with memories that I wish I could be blessed with all my life and with Arushi by my side to help me, the world would become a better place to live in. Looking at the things associated with her brings a tear in my eye. It is like swimming across the sea without a shore as the quest seems to be unending and deterring at times.
Things had become clear that I had a sheer liking for my dear Arushi, but, did she feel the same for me? That was quite big a question! Our unending chats though symbolized that she too felt for me. I was so much in love with her that I would dream of proposing her and receiving an affirmation form her end and just when out of sheer happiness and overwhelming love I would be about to touch her lips, I would be awakened by my mother’s voice (who would each day unfailingly toil to wake me up from my beautiful dreamland).
This proposal issue was thus taking its toll and being troublesome enough in striking restlessness and turmoil within me. Time was passing and the semester break was nearing. So, I decided to get over the proposal thing before the semester ended. We were getting close as the days were passing and spending the whole evening together sitting at the benches and gazing at the setting sun. At interims, I would look at her beautiful face and would drown in the innocence which it serenely reflected. When we got bored of gazing we looked at each other to talk with expressions not words and that trend came to halt with my smile and her approval (sort of) to my proposal of expressions.
One rainy day, we walked sharing the same umbrella, her wet hair were driving me crazy and her touch was simply mesmerizing. The complete aura was just inexplicable! It filled my heart with emotions of pure love and adoration. That very day we sat in the canteen and ordered coffee with biscuits, the complimenting weather with sips of hot coffee, and Arushi by my side; I couldn’t have asked for more. I was so lost in her, that I was totally unaware of the fact that all my biscuits fell in the coffee. (I was busy capturing her expressions and gaping at her). The evening was even more wonderful, with the rain gone, sun playing hide and seek with clouds and to forget the embezzling rainbow. Both of us sat on the terrace and saw the beautiful sunset. The moment was perfect, I decided to give words to my feelings, and started on a rhyme. I bid her a god bye with the tightest of hug till now and it made me sure that time had come to take what the two of us shared to another level.
The evening still in my mind and was not allowing me to sleep so I decided to write a poem and propose her for a lifelong relation. The whole night I worked up on my proposal and wrote the lines that are as follow….
Sometimes sitting idle I wonder,
About my life without you.
A sudden silence makes me remember..
The things that have always made me rue..
Sitting in the night counting the stars..
Some may consider it wasting my time..
But I think of my life and its journey so far..
And string my thoughts together to make it an unbreakable rhyme..
The world seems to be a better place with everything new..
But I know my life is nothing without you..
At different phases of life I have always found peace
But sometimes it’s difficult when have felt let down..
You have always tried to bring me at ease..
And gave me love instead of my numerous frowns.
Writing this rhyme am thinking of you..
As my life is nothing without you!!
Sometimes, I may have hurt you,
And perhaps would have made you feel terrible.
But I have always valued your tears that are as beautiful as morning dew..
In fact everything in my life related to you is the most valuable…
You have helped me in making my every dream come true.
I am afraid to live my life without you..
As my life is nothing without you..
Thinking of living my life without you,
Thoughts of the aforementioned obscuring my views..
I have always seen the world with your eyes..
Thought of not having you around make my heart cry..
HOPE was never associated with me..
But you instilled in me HOPE as if you knew how my life would turn out to be.
You transformed a pessimist into an optimist..
And for you, I will come through in life clearing every mist..
My life has always revolved around you..
And I hope when it would stop, it would be on you…
My heart beats and say my life is nothing without you..
ARUSHI!!! I have to tell you that I LOVE YOU!!!…
What followed was a week without any conversation and meeting. I messaged her and called her but she responded to none. She kept ignoring me in college as if she didn’t want to see my face. Semester break started and she went home but still there were no signs of conversation. As my patience was nearing its end, a message flashed on my phone asking me to come to her place, so I booked my tickets for the next day.
While travelling in train I had planned everything as if I knew the answer to my proposal. We met in the evening and the result was just the opposite of what I anticipated, she was in a different mood and our meeting started with a yell in which she accused me of playing with her emotions. She said that she only wanted me as a friend and not as a lover but I constantly pushed her for this part. I tried my level best to bring the situation under control and in between made her remember our beautiful meetings. After an hour of heated discussion she left the place bidding me a final bye. While bidding a bye I noticed a tear that fell from her eye but she didn’t stop and left me sobbing inconsolably.
Beautiful memories and scenes from our past meetings were replaced by clamant questions which egregiously overtook my mind. Were all those moments just meaningless? Or had I been too naive to expect so much out of my beloved. Her erratic denial left me in a state of complete unrest. The day which I imagined to be the finest and most memorable day of my life, did eventually turn to be memorable, But alas! For all the wrong reasons!!
Probably my love fell short of giving her what she wanted or perhaps I was trying to stretch an immune thread that considered me nothing more than a friend or not good enough for being a lover. I recalled everything associated with her and my mind was demanding an explanation from her for toying with my heart and later breaking it and in course giving me painful memories. It seemed someone had taken away the reason to live from my life and the memories of our meetings were killing me from inside. My heart was taken away by her innocence and I knew in her heart it was me, who resided. Her mind had different theories about love; unlike me she listened to her mind and didn’t approve of the feelings that were in her heart. This poem describes my feelings..
One night, my dream turned out to be the blessed one..
An angel came with happiness and gave me some.
Her attire so flawless in craft..
Made me an admirer of this beautiful art..
Blessed with such beautiful eyes..
That no one can ever surmise..
The aura surrounding was very peaceful..
And her every touch was even more wonderful..
Drowned in her face’s tranquillity..
Was amazed by the beauty of this rare entity.
In short she was beauty personified..
And with her every movement the same got exemplified..
Just wished the angel could forever stay..
I just watched her with nothing to say..
Her beauty made me dream with open eyes..
And the feeling that I cannot simplify..
A question struck my mind, have I seen her before..
Or my heart was giving me an emotional cure..
Went outside amazed by early morning azure..
Breathed the air that was pure..
I wondered whether my dream was too good to be true..
But I know she was no one else but you…
You are the only person who completes my dreams
For bitter memories to cease I avoid it with every possible means..
Have always tried to move ahead of this phase of life..
But emotions in me make me remember each strife..
Some call me a sufferer at the hands of love..
That has given me emotional as well as mental shove.
Once I was your little ferret..
And shared an emotion as pure as gold of 24 carat..
Whenever my heart cried,
I noticed a tear falling from your eye.
Still trying to move on despite my broken heart..
As after every end there is a fresh start..
I still dream only of you..
As I loved a person that was you..
And am nothing more than a person made of memories of you…
It has been months since that unforgettable day passed by. Arushi’s unexplained reaction angered me and annoyed me for quite some time but it seems that what she did has finally given me an explanation. I realize now, that giving away such an abrupt decision was not an easy reaction for her as well. Her sad face and falling tears voiced the pain and turmoil she herself had to face. Whenever I close my eyes I see Arushi and me sitting at the same place and enjoying the sunset. Whenever I see lovers walking hand in hand I think of our unforgettable walks. Happy that this beautiful girl instilled in me optimism and hope as now I can see things in a different light. And though my future is still quite unclear in terms of my love life, yet I am very hopeful that one day she will come and hug me. We will remain together till eternity and walk together hand in hand. I loved a girl Arushi with my all and will wait for her as she was my first and the last love. She blessed with memories that are enough for living a life. I don’t want to move on as my life is all about Arushi. As we know everything happens for the good and good will yield the best when true adoration will be blended with boundless effort to reap the best out of life and its untold virtues.