Gift On My Birthday

16th October, 2016.. Yes it was yesterday and I was thinking of today as my age was to be incremented by one. On the verge of completing 25 years of my existence, I was wondering how different my life would have been if I had made the right choices. Choices would have made the life easy but certainly the experience factor would have taken a dent. Sudden introspection left me in a deep sleep before midnight and as the clock struck twelve, my phone rang. It is not anomaly for the phone to ring on the birthday. I lifted the phone and on the other side was someone with whom I have shared an esoteric relation which dates back to some 6 years when I used to teach her physics. She knew with my way of answering that I was asleep before twelve and would definitely had a glimpse of how non-happening my life has become.

After promising her to give a call tomorrow I responded to few messages that said the one and the same thing. As soon as I was about to put my phone away, one of my dear friend was on the other side of the call. All the introspection related to my job I made him listen, and such a gem of a person my friend is, he didn’t complain. I desperately needed some sleep and I found the same by putting my phone on silent mode.

As soon as I got up I had to do all the catching up with unanswered message and missed calls. Few replies resulted in conversation that lit up my mood. One such conversation was with someone with a beautiful heart and had the privilege of celebrating her birthday on a Friday night. She asked me about the plans that I had for celebrating the special day of life. I was thinking of answering in the most conventional way but telling her that I am not happy and not celebrating would have made her think otherwise. So I went the writer’s way and said the same with a twist, ‘A single guy, living in a remotest of place can’t have plans. My mother, father, Bhaiya and Bhabhi (latter 2 on skype) will sit and have a family conversation.’ It was better than saying nothing and killing the conversation. We may not have been the closest of friends but still her words have always left me smiling or have given a immense joy to my life. Monday Blues bought our conversation to a premature end and I was back on the celebrity mode and answered all the messages which required my acknowledgement for the sender not to feel offended or hurt by my rude behavior. I am a very unbiased when it comes to giving happiness, I responded to messages from exlovers with the same warmth with which I did to others, they must not feel that they made the wrong choice by giving a part of their life to me. I may not get the favors back but expecting things from people is perhaps what I don’t believe in.

In between all the voids of the day, I resorted to beautiful memories associated with the day. Few years back when I thought I was with my better half, there were handmade gifts and cakes which summed up my day. When I was at my alma mater birthday bums formed the bulk of the memories. But I could remember one special birthday where my hope and belief came true. I received something from a very special person who holds many meanings in my life. It was the last birthday and memories are still fresh of that special day. As soon as I was about to take a ride into that day decorated with memories of her efforts to make me feel special, my phone rang. Reading the initials I couldn’t believe my eyes, it was a call from the same person of whom I was thinking about.

I answered it with all the warmth and with a gesture that was enough to convey my joy to her ears. Over joyed and excited I sensed something surreal in the world. Her way of saying ‘Avijit’ drowns me in the emotions that I could hardly mew about. Talking to her I discovered that distance means nothing when the bond is pure and permanent as a mole. She hasn’t changed and words still needed to be priced out of her. All the while I was like a book waiting to be read by someone who started it with her words but left in between to experience life. She listened to all my highs and tried to pacify all my sorrows. Speaking to her just took me to cloud nine and somehow her effect just got the best out of me. I told her about my feelings when I received her gift the last time around and while reciting my words I could sense that she was wondering about the gift for this year. As soon as she could say anything, I said THANK YOU. She asked me the reason and I said, ‘this thank you is for the gift that you gave me by sparing your time and giving me your words.’ It was not a flattery as there are only a few who stick to you in the worst of times and she not only stood beside me but also made me recover. She said that I reserve the best words for her and I said for others I write or speak words but for you these words have always been emotions. I never wanted to hang up my phone but already crossed conversation already crossed the hour mark so I decided to break my flow of words.

I may have received many gifts on the day but the part that mattered was the fulfilling conversation that I had with the zahir of my life was certainly the thing which will be the memoir for this birthday. I have turned 25 and certainly on the wrong side of twenties but with a heart which has words in the form of emotions imbibed in it. I have received wishes in plenty on this day, some may have forgotten to wish me but as I say some people don’t need an occasion to wish me as their wishes are always with me

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NewYear Coffee

Writing today I have a new feeling combined with an energy that the mere change of year column in the date brings in the life. Yes we are in 2016 and 2015 lay peacefully into its grave. The year change never signifies any change in my life but when I take into account the optimistic part of me, I look forward to special things that may

happen. In the last year I was accused of being perfidious when it came to love and in my defense I had only words that were too uncanny for the likes of people who think fidelity comes from staying together till the end. To give a kick start to my year which I think is perhaps the most important year when it comes to shaping my future, I decided to go with the most important thing associated with my life. Your mind will be full of curiosities about the things that I am talking about and to just ruffle up a

bit, it is neither about love for a person nor it is about my past. It is about a thing that acts as an inspiration for the words to flow. Yes for many it may be bar hopping but for me it is café hopping. It has been months since I last wrote something when the aroma of coffee beans were brewing my mind with thoughts, the sips of coffee was adding the atypical thoughts and to add to that tinge of vanilla in my flavor just made it a treat to write, drink and later on read the sumptuous piece of words having a rhythmical cadence to it.

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I sat down on the most comfortable sofa of the café and started to recollect the thoughts that I wanted to write about. To accompany me to the café were my three friends: laptop, camera and to counter my creative blocs was my Kindle. These three things have lately become my escapades to life and my window to dreams, my pillars of a happy life. As usual the trend continued with me going for a king glass of vanilla latte and avoiding the extra shots of cream owing to my New Year resolution of eating healthy and staying fit. I was trying to picture someone probably my inspiration to just start with the flow of words but I was faced with a storm of thoughts that were trying to come out of my mind for months now. Waiting for the storm to abate was not on the list as my funds and time reserved for this unusual date with coffee were limited. I tried to write a few lines but they were not of the level which I expected them to be. As soon as I started to doubt my abilities to come up with something worth writing, I had a guest on the opposite side of the table. Owing to comfort of the couch, a place opposite to a lost soul who was perhaps not interested in the surrounding world was the best place to sit in the café. Without bothering to ask me she sat down and bought out her camera’s memory card and laptop. For a few moments I was gaping at her as if some intruder has just entered my world and is trying to change it according to her liking. But as you know in India looking at a beauty comes with a price tag which can be as expensive as receiving a mouthful of rebukes so I decided to give it a rest. The entry of a foreign influence just abated the storm but my concentration was nowhere near to the usual which I prefer for writing. So I stopped and started to read a novel rather than writing some genius shit which will be hard for me to decipher in the end.

In between my reading I would look at the uninvited guest opposite to the table. She was fair with long hairs, it seemed her twinkling eyes behind the specs were after my pecks and to go with that her cheeks like rose were making her too beautiful to ignore. She was dressed in red sweater and black jeans complimenting her skin’s color and making it look more and more bright. Her lips left an impression on the cup which I presumed to be of vanilla latte and the way she lifted her lock of hairs form her face and tied down to the back was making my heart beat rise. How badly for a moment I wanted to be that cup which she took into her world, embraced it and left a trace so that everyone could be jealous of the relation she had with me. Looking at her hands searching for the ring and to my joy I couldn’t find was the reason for me to strike a conversation with her. Her beautiful face lit by the screen of her laptop and the reflection of her photos one her glasses were enough for me to give all my thoughts a rest and concentrate on her beauty. Her face was flawless, white as a moon with everything in just the perfect position making me thing how beautiful a person can be. Happiness is looking at such a flawlessly pretty face and admiring it with all the adjectives that come in your mind.

With all the strength in the world I tried to get her attention but she was too busy to observe the surrounding disturbances. I gave my every try a halt and started to enjoy the moment with my eyes constantly glued to her. After half an hour she also noticed that I was trying to strike a conversation with her. She ordered one honey oat cookie and looked at me. As soon as her eyes were about the make contact with me, I started to look at the book that I was reading. “I am not that ugly for someone not to look at me” were her first words that I heard. Her sweet voice found the hidden passage to my heart and lost for a few moments, I eventually gave voice to my words, “nobody is ugly, it is just a bit of decency left in me that says never ever try and offend a girl with your eyes.” She asked a simple question stating if a girl wants to get offended with the eyes then what a person like me will do. Thinking for a few moment in silence I answered, I will not offend her with eyes as they fall for anything and everything that is attractive, I will offend that beauty with words as they need to be priced out of me and you already are witnessing the demonstration of it. You are not offending me, you are just giving the compliments in a flurry, said the beauty. The best part of giving compliments is that you always get one back and the loop continues, she was quite impressed with my reply and said she is only looking for a small talk and by convention of it the talk should have already ceased. I said yes and granted her wish of ceasing the small talk and ordered two coffees for the conventional long talk to begin.

IMG_6430We talked about our common hobby of photography and came to know that she teaches at Indian Institute of photography. We exchanged photos instead of number and exif details instead of names. Yes this type of talk is very limited for me as I only discuss photography when I am a bit depressed as it has way to make me feel happy. For the first time in my talks with a stranger there was no sign about my dream of writing best sellers and I chose to ignore the anomaly as both photography and writing are two pillars which have helped me resurrect my life from the worst of phases. The talk continued but it reached a premature end because of the time constraint. As she bid a bye I said, time has always been my enemy and I am killing it since my inception, so you will find me here wasting time on name of satiating the need of wanderlust that I have. She smiled and swiftly moved out without looking back (not in context of Bollywood movies). As my cup reached its end I also picked up all my stuff and started to move out of the café. Came to mind was a strange thought of not knowing the name of the person to whom I talked and I was lost in the thought that I completely ignored the person calling me from behind. He ran and got hold of me to give a discount coupon and yes most importantly a visiting card which he told was left by the girl who left in a hurry for me.

Again something or the other leads to an incident that you forever want to remember. For me these coffee chains have literally turned out to be the stage for the different actors to come and introduce them to me. Yes for me a lot is still happening over the coffee and the caffeine toxication has already gripped my mind in the nascent stage of the NEW YEAR…

P.S. As I say, fictions are all mine and facts are all yours but for a change I will say that I have started to love writing facts rather than fictions…

STRANGERS..AGAIN

The last month of the year December always brings something or the other and makes me think of my journey of life. Today was one such day when I woke up with some unusual feeling characterized by an emotional outbreak. As the day grew old the feelings started to get stronger and were pushing me into an unusual place by adding deeper and deeper shades of darkness. To free my mind of all the biases I decided to take an errand, with a cold wind brushing my face I thought of memories associated with this month. Suddenly to my surprise I could only manage to see a face and thus evincing the magical connection that I had with this day. The memories of pain are still fresh, it was never always about the pain and frankly I couldn’t remember when it was not but surely not always about the pain. She was amazing, my unicorn and a girl I thought existed in dreams. As we moved from one stage to another of the relation, the game of expectations got better of us and we lost it in the midway.

I faintly remember that day after the Christmas celebration when it all happened. Six years back on this very day there was something that was not allowing me to lie down. I was in love or was about to fall in one and thus the reason for all the anxiety. The cake, wine and dinner all were taken care but the feelings in my heart stayed and were trying to find a way out through the words that I was mincing. It was 2am in the night when I received the message from my fairytale’s angel that she has returned from the hospital and was feeling lonely. You all must be wondering where this hospital came from, after the dinner she started vomiting and owing to restrictions of a girl’s hostel I couldn’t accompany her to the hospital. All the time that she spent in the hospital my mind was busy contemplating on my situation and stringing together theories of success and failure of my proposal.

Another message came and she was feeling that nobody loves her and instantly I replied that I love her and reassured her of my presence. Then came perhaps the most beautiful surprise of the night, a message saying I love you too and asking me to remain with her till eternity. Yes technically I had proposed her on simple text message and it was accepted but emotionally those words that I was busy stringing together in a rhyme still lay in my heart and were trying to find a way out. That was the last message exchanged of the night. I remember it was this day of the month when for the maiden time I proposed a beauty and to my utter surprise I was successful at it.

Sometimes in life things happen when you don’t expect them and my story of love was something that proved it right. I still remember our first kiss, the whole aura turned magical when my lips touched hers. Though my eyes were closed but I pictured the expression that we both were having. The warmth of the hug and yes love in its nascent stage was what we were going through. The best part I remember was meeting her and probably thanks to our chemistry teacher who made it impossible for me to copy down the notes so borrowing was the only option left for me. In course of borrowing and returning the copy we became friends and thus started the connection that left a glorious trace on my life. Spending the time with her was perhaps the most beautiful thing. It was pathetic to see guys doing anything to get the right girl and I was no exception. I started to attend lectures and giving up my bike to walk with her all day from one corner to another were few aberrations that happened in my life. From the stage of meeting, we moved on to the chase part and people call it the best part. All I wanted was to talk with her, follow her and wait for her. Every time I saw her there were butterflies in my stomach, she was everything that I could dream of.

After the chase frame we went into the phase where we could express our love to each other and when we completed this stage we had an album of memories together. From the beautiful places we visited to those serene dates with nature, everything was engrossed in our mind and became a 72178_556928984347873_874920998_nsource of our happiness. After the stage of love was over we started to take each other for granted and became complacent in playing our part. The girl who was crazy about me few years ago was the one who lost all the driving forces to be together. On the other hand the boy who once called this girl a dream was dissatisfied but wanted to remain with her. Our relation fell apart and everything came crashing down. There is never a good way to describe a relation which is going through downhill.

We wanted to leave on good mutual terms, if that was ever truly possible. We started on a different path taking us back to the place where we started, STRANGERS. The change was so drastic and blunt that we wanted to get back together immediately but this didn’t happen and distances grew. She moved on and found someone new and thus started the worst part what everyone called suffering. It doesn’t matter whether we get over the past and try to remain friends things will never remain the same. Once in a while she will cross your life again but the burden of the memories will not allow you to live that moment. Our lives will continue on a path leading to a point called STRANGERS AGAIN. Everything we shared has been reduced to fragmented memories. From so long a question if it even really happened?

All that is left is a box of random stuff from a fatal time period when the stranger that I am writing about was the most important person of my life. Those walks are no longer beautiful and those flowers are not blooming with fragrance. The essence of my every errand is missing. Visiting the place where we first met I sit in a corner, I notice a faint me walking past with that jubilant smile. I see a young boy holding hands of a beautiful girl, as I move I see and relive each and every moment spent here….A sudden cry breaks my dream, these moments will never come to sand again…

I think life has separated us, and we will end up in totally different places, I’ll always remember when our paths aligned from the period of time- and I’ll be thankful for that. And hope that, wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too. And I think that’s the best I can wish for if not her.

An ODE to The Anonymous

It’s been eleven days into the New Year and the creative side of me has not yet established a connection with the rainbow of imagination. I won’t call it lack of creativity on my part but the cannibalization of one form by another aspect of it. Yes for the first time in my life there is something that has abstained me from writing. Sketching on the walls of my room has become a new escapade to life and thus explains my situation of not being able to come up with this much anticipated New Year blog.

What is new in this year, Earth has a single moon, sun is rising in the east, setting in the west, days are of 24 hours and I am still waiting for my time to come. This singlehood has taken a toll on my thinking, and to be precise this phase has lasted for around 545 days with no hope of reverting to my usual in the near horizon. So what compelled me to write this blog and find some time out from my new hobby? Few days back I was conversing with the most beautiful soul of my life and her suggestion struck my temple quite hard. She wanted me to write and try and find someone who loves me and not my words. According to her my words are well intentioned or have the power to capture any heart and make that beauty fall in love. The thing that made the difference was her confessing of falling for me and not yet recovering from it. Yes there was a time when I wanted her to be mine and everything to happen with an accuracy of a dime and as usual it rhymed. My life has changed and so does her, clinging to the hopes of a better tomorrow together can easily stop the natural course of change. Yes that beautiful soul will forever be my inspiration to write and what will continue is an esoteric relation with a soul to soul connection.

Life is strange and when you delve into different spheres leading to a same center, you discover the complexity of it. And adding to my complexity are the dreams that I see every night in my sleep. As usual I will be at the center of everything and that beauty will come up and disturb the strings of my heart. There is nothing aberrant in this as being a boy in early twenties my fundamental right is to dream of beauties. The thing that disturbs me the most is the anonymous nature of the beauty. Soon I will find myself in the wrong side of twenties thus making that anonymous nature a constant source of a pain, sweet in nature. The happiness is sour and the pain is sweet, where am I heading to; is a serious question now. Perhaps I am feeling the joy of dreams that assuage me from all the pain and leave me speechless, motionless but with a smile on my face. Listening to Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here, my heart is just oozing with words to define the feelings that I have for my anonymous love.

Today I sit back and think of the time..

When a beautiful face strung thousand rhymes..

Thinking of that beauty my heart flies..

To a land of dreams where that beauty resides..

Her beautiful eyes..

Deep as an ocean..

The water of her eyes’ ocean splashing against my face..

Drowning me inside the deep ocean..

Without leaving a trace..

Coming to shore of the ocean…

I think of that charming face..

Face that I compared with the rose..

Thorns were me, petals were her..

And it created a different stir..

Once I saw her by the river.

The feelings of love started to trigger..

I took the opportunity and held her hand..

Kissed her and started that beautiful trend..

She used to meet me in my dreams..

Those dreams where we will walk hand in hand..

To a place to which we belong..

Dreams never came to sand…

And something broke that beautiful strand..

Though the feelings remain the same..

But a pain of having anonymous as her name..

The pain is sweet in nature but too much of sweet can lead you to a place where there is nothing sweet. Drawing unusual IMG_8074analogies is my forte and the reason for my insomnia is too much sweet which comes from my dreams. I will put an end to this blog by answering a simple question. Everybody asks me, are you over her? No, I am not over as she was never over me and returning the favor without receiving one in not what I believe in (pun intended). Just stop you bee buzzing in my bonnet as I already have many to deal with and sorry this one is not on the list.

Disclaimer: This blog is a result of constructive interference of the recent happening and questions that I prefer not to answer. If this has resulted in hurting your sentiments, then I am sorry that I don’t feel apologetic. Don’t ignore any mistakes as they are all mine and fun is all yours. Happy Reading…..

The Joy of Giving

Yesterday walking on a familiar road..
Hustling past the crowd of unknowns..
Winter was at its peak..
Sun was playing the game of hide and seek..
Suddenly someone pulled me back..
I stopped and looked around..
Couldn’t see anyone I continued with my errand.
After sometime I heard a voice so sweet…
This again stopped me in that street.
Then again someone pulled me back..
And I saw an innocent child reaching out for help.
Suffering at the hands of winter.
She was forced to beg…
untouchables and unwanted were her society’s tag.
I looked for my wallet and gave her money..
The smile on her face spoke everything.
Her innocence touched my heart..
So I took away the money,
and watched that smile disappear.
I offered her my piece of meal..
Smile was again instilled as if she got everything..
I heard several rebukes directed at me..
Accusing me of her situation to be..
I moved along…
paid heed to none..
As I had given happiness at least to one..
I returned to that place..
Searched for that familiar face..
On seeing, she rushed towards me..
As if she saw a savior in me..
Seeing her hands shivering..
I gave her a blanket..
And things that were in my ambit..
She is also a human..
And being poor is her reason for extrusion..
My effort, may be small..
But the satisfaction I got was above all..
Sometimes one must move away from receiving..
And live the joy of giving..
Life is meant to spread this smile…
as you move ahead mile by mile.

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The innocence captured by me..

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