Confession Of Heart

Twelfth of February, a day when strangeness combined with the loneliness and I found myself striking the keys of the keyboard to fill the room with some sort of cadence to allay that feeling of emptiness that has changed my life upside down. It is that month of the year where you find love brewing out of every corner but somehow my life has no unturned corner left and thus the feeling of emptiness has gripped me. My mind always remains in the practical world and my heart stranded with beauties and their thoughts. They never complement each other, just like two opposite faces of magnet. My heart always gets the better of my mind and Venus being the governing planet, my life has been a journey of falling in and out of love.

What has prompted me to write in this month of love which certainly had an ever lasting impact on me in the past but somehow has lost all its importance? Answer to this question will certainly result in interference of many emotions and my journey in both directions of love. It was very easy for me fall in love every time but that ease of falling in was nowhere to be seen when I discovered the pain of falling out. To recover from that pain, I have always resorted to someone and has resulted in me falling again. My life has always been complex; some have fallen in love with my words and when those words ceased, the phase of falling out started. Once an angel of a fairytale told me to love someone who doesn’t know that you are a master at writing those well intentioned words. Today remembering that beauty and her words brings a smile to my face. I may have ignored her at that point of time but probably she was right, it is the fault of the words that has resulted in the emptiness.

The world will never understand the power of words. My experience with love and hatred has made me experience the might of it. These words can take your heart away, melt it and mold it in a way that you fall in love again. As the strangeness and loneliness has gripped me, I have resorted to these words to break the silence of my life. Just opened the window and fell the evening azure, the breeze just made me remember the most cherished encounter with love. I was in love with her silence, those months when love brewed in my life taught me the power of loving silence. It can overpower any emotion in this world but somehow when my words broke their silence it was again back to a world when words became her preference over me. And now those well intentioned words have stopped coming out and so does the love of her is reaching the natural end.

All this while, I have been in thoughts of someone very different. People say love has a face and even today when I close my eyes I still see her. The phase when I was enjoying my share of love with someone else, her face always existed. She is the one to whom I couldn’t confess, these words built a castle of emotions around her in which she drowned but somehow came to the shore without uttering those words. My words fell short to attract her to my dream filled with emotions of pure love. Even today my words still find her in the core of heart but fail to understand the esoteric relation of life. My dilemma always ends up forming a rhyme and reciting that I have always believed…

What If..

My words find a way..

And tell her that she is the one..

 

What if..

She feels the same emotions..

That I feel..

 

What if..

She was waiting for me to confess,,

With a touch of emotional finesse..

 

What if..

Her heart beats for me..

Like mine beating for her..

 

What if..

She recites the same lullaby..

And her heart and mind rhymes in rhapsody..

 

What if..

She is the way to my dreams..

Breaking the flow of this monotonous stream..

 

What if..

In a parallel universe..

We walk together with every lyrical verse..

 

What If..

This confession compels me..

To write my heart to her..

 

What if..

She denies the feelings..

In which I believe..

Thus bringing an end to that face..

Which has left a beautiful trace..

 

This rise and fall of melody..

The dilemma of what if..

Always finds better of me..

Another try I will give..

My eyes closed, her beautiful face..

These emotions I shall live..

 

NOTE: FICTIONS ARE ALL MINE, FACTS ARE ALL YOURS

The Story Of Fall

“Reading a lot lately the stories of mills and boons and then I came across to your piece ‘TRUE LOVE + WE’. Reading it I had goosebumps and after finishing it I can definitely say your work is comparable to what I am reading. I haven’t heard about your writer side as the image of you is of a little studious boy who used to run away from girls at school.”  I don’t exactly remember the date but it was in the fall of 2013 when your above feedback just helped me grow as writer. My immediate reaction to your comment was, Thank God! Someone has read it and I jumped in the air out of exuberance that your beautiful words bought. Your words fueled my world of dreams with imagination on one hand and inspiration on the other. As you know Arushi, this was our first interaction and it perhaps began on the perfect note. You remember how quickly I replied to your comment and out of anxiety I dropped you a personal message. I was very lucky that day as you replied instantly and thus started something that acted as a catalyst in transforming my life.

This was the time when mobile internet was mainly of 2g and conversing on facebook was quite cumbersome. At times I had to wait for around 5 minutes for your reply, so in order to get this thing away I asked for your phone number and I had to wait for around 10 minutes for your reply. Yes I got the number and it was not for adding you on whatsapp but to drop a sms which lately have almost become extinct. Before dropping you the message I just checked profile on facebook as I couldn’t recall exactly how you looked or what connection you had with me. Your first picture just set the tone for the things to come, and indeed you are beautiful. I dropped you a message late at night and to be frank I was not expecting a reply. But as the day had panned out for me your reply came and we started chatting about random stuffs. You knew about my friends, brother and my exploits in school which you clearly mentioned in your comment as well. Yes Arushi, I remember that small confusion that you had of confusing my best friend with my brother. And when I told you the name of my brother, you were like the topper, IItian and what not.

Deeper shades of night got better of the conversation and I sensed that you dozed off at around 2am. I dropped a goodnight message that had few lines written for you and asked you to consider it as a token for your effort to go through my blog. The time was rough for me, I was coming out of a relation that lasted four years and had ended on the sorest note possible. You will know better than me about the attraction that I felt for you. In no time we were connected through messages almost the better part of the day. Those compliments given in a flurry were the best part. One night in that eventful fall I was missing you and constantly messaging you but with no replies. The night just worded my thoughts into a poem and I dropped it in your inbox. I was eager to get the feedback but was also wondering where it would take me in the journey towards attracting you to my world of dreams where words were making those sweet lullabies for you. Arushi, you loved the poem and waiting no further I admitted that I liked you and was platonically attracted towards you. You said I was in a haste and must take my time before drawing any steps further and I must admit it was like a setback. I decided not to force the issue further and messaged you an apology with message stating that I was leaving for Banaras.

If I were to say that it all started in Banaras then I will not be wrong. Spending the night at the banks of river Ganges with the breeze brushing past my face I could picture you sitting with me and talking away to glory. Yes I have always loved the way you called my name with all the exuberance, and today while writing about it I can hear your voice and not to mention, just loving it. “I miss you and our chats”, the message I received on the second day of my trip is something that I can recall word by word. I shared each and every detail of the errands with you and sent you pictures of places I visited. There was a sense of joy inside me which was just asking me to everything that required to get that smile on your face. You may not recall the details but for me those moments meant a world to me.

Yes you would call me in the evening and the way you called my name (AVI) was something that became the best part of the day. We somehow developed an understanding and when I went to my first job you were a constant support. I had told you many number of times that you are beautiful and my habit of speaking words from the heart gave way to the proposal on the Valentine’s Day. Yes I know you asked me a question, how would I propose a girl? And when I finished speaking you said yes. The long exile of not able to get those beautiful talks in person came to sand when I decided to join MBA and returned home. I chose a fancy Indian restaurant for the meeting but knowing you I knew that you wouldn’t like the sophistication and the very reason I suggested to move somewhere else. No jokes about my red helmet, the message which got delivered late because of the network and you felt bad because you already did the same that was not required of you.

The bike ride seemed the thing that interested you and so we did go on one and that too towards the hills. To define you I may be short of words but your expressive face which I saw through the rearview mirror was driving me crazy. In between you would lay your hands on me and I felt the warmth of your body which provided an adrenaline rush. After the breeze became cold, you grasped me from behind and came very near to me, I felt your breath on me and just wanted the time to stop on this beautiful juncture. Soon we entered the road going above Bhimtal (Hill station in North India) and then you signaled me to stop for a while. We moved towards a beautiful path, desolate and silent…The path grown with weeds and flowers beds buried under the thorn jungle. I took your hand and landed a kiss on it and to my amazement you didn’t protest. As the sun was setting so was the distance between us. I could still picture how the beautiful you were lighted by the rays of setting sun which just added to your beauty. You came infront of me and with the expressions I could tell that you were asking me to take the first move. I took you in my arms and wrapped your comely body with my hands. Then came the moment which made me believe that dreams do come true. Yes I will never forget the way I tasted you lilac soft, heart shaped lips and how beautiful that moment was when we both didn’t want to end that divine moment. I was nearest to the beauty of my life and how desperately I wanted to lay peacefully in your arms. But as we know all good things come to an end, the sound of people approaching towards us just abated the surreal moment.

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Yes I know this was probably our only meeting that was worth defining but still the bond only got stronger with time. I left for Dubai and you wished we luck, we were connected by various means provided by internet. Dubai chapter came to an abrupt end and to my surprise you too started to maintain a bit of distance from me. Clueless was me but still I didn’t gave up hope of being together. I returned from Dubai and noticed that you have completely forgotten me, and with a dilemma I made a call on your number. With all the emotions you called my name but as we were reaching the end of the conversation you asked for your freedom. I was surprised by your decision of letting something very precious move away from your life and such is my nature, I never protested. Vowed to remain together as friends but still I knew the memories of those glorious days will keep echoing in my heart.

As of today I stand blocked from all forms of communication related to you. Some people say love has a face and whenever I close my eyes I could a picture a girl who I met only once but her trace just lit up my world in the most beautiful way possible. I have more questions than answers but smiling at those question or confusions is something that life has taught me. All that is left is a box of random stuff from a fatal time period when the stranger that I am writing about was the most important person of my life. Those walks are no longer beautiful and those flowers are not blooming with fragrance. The essence of my every errand is missing. Visiting the place where we first met I sit in a corner, I notice a faint me walking past with that jubilant smile. I see a young boy holding hands of a beautiful girl, as I move I see and relive each and every moment spent here….A sudden cry breaks my dream, these moments will never come to sand again…

I think life has separated us, and we will end up in totally different places, I’ll always remember when our paths aligned from the period of time- and I’ll be thankful for that. And hope that, wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too. And I think that’s the best I can wish for if not her.

Disclaimer: This piece of fiction has a close association with one of my friends but still not the entire truth.72178_556928984347873_874920998_n

 

 

Gift On My Birthday

16th October, 2016.. Yes it was yesterday and I was thinking of today as my age was to be incremented by one. On the verge of completing 25 years of my existence, I was wondering how different my life would have been if I had made the right choices. Choices would have made the life easy but certainly the experience factor would have taken a dent. Sudden introspection left me in a deep sleep before midnight and as the clock struck twelve, my phone rang. It is not anomaly for the phone to ring on the birthday. I lifted the phone and on the other side was someone with whom I have shared an esoteric relation which dates back to some 6 years when I used to teach her physics. She knew with my way of answering that I was asleep before twelve and would definitely had a glimpse of how non-happening my life has become.

After promising her to give a call tomorrow I responded to few messages that said the one and the same thing. As soon as I was about to put my phone away, one of my dear friend was on the other side of the call. All the introspection related to my job I made him listen, and such a gem of a person my friend is, he didn’t complain. I desperately needed some sleep and I found the same by putting my phone on silent mode.

As soon as I got up I had to do all the catching up with unanswered message and missed calls. Few replies resulted in conversation that lit up my mood. One such conversation was with someone with a beautiful heart and had the privilege of celebrating her birthday on a Friday night. She asked me about the plans that I had for celebrating the special day of life. I was thinking of answering in the most conventional way but telling her that I am not happy and not celebrating would have made her think otherwise. So I went the writer’s way and said the same with a twist, ‘A single guy, living in a remotest of place can’t have plans. My mother, father, Bhaiya and Bhabhi (latter 2 on skype) will sit and have a family conversation.’ It was better than saying nothing and killing the conversation. We may not have been the closest of friends but still her words have always left me smiling or have given a immense joy to my life. Monday Blues bought our conversation to a premature end and I was back on the celebrity mode and answered all the messages which required my acknowledgement for the sender not to feel offended or hurt by my rude behavior. I am a very unbiased when it comes to giving happiness, I responded to messages from exlovers with the same warmth with which I did to others, they must not feel that they made the wrong choice by giving a part of their life to me. I may not get the favors back but expecting things from people is perhaps what I don’t believe in.

In between all the voids of the day, I resorted to beautiful memories associated with the day. Few years back when I thought I was with my better half, there were handmade gifts and cakes which summed up my day. When I was at my alma mater birthday bums formed the bulk of the memories. But I could remember one special birthday where my hope and belief came true. I received something from a very special person who holds many meanings in my life. It was the last birthday and memories are still fresh of that special day. As soon as I was about to take a ride into that day decorated with memories of her efforts to make me feel special, my phone rang. Reading the initials I couldn’t believe my eyes, it was a call from the same person of whom I was thinking about.

I answered it with all the warmth and with a gesture that was enough to convey my joy to her ears. Over joyed and excited I sensed something surreal in the world. Her way of saying ‘Avijit’ drowns me in the emotions that I could hardly mew about. Talking to her I discovered that distance means nothing when the bond is pure and permanent as a mole. She hasn’t changed and words still needed to be priced out of her. All the while I was like a book waiting to be read by someone who started it with her words but left in between to experience life. She listened to all my highs and tried to pacify all my sorrows. Speaking to her just took me to cloud nine and somehow her effect just got the best out of me. I told her about my feelings when I received her gift the last time around and while reciting my words I could sense that she was wondering about the gift for this year. As soon as she could say anything, I said THANK YOU. She asked me the reason and I said, ‘this thank you is for the gift that you gave me by sparing your time and giving me your words.’ It was not a flattery as there are only a few who stick to you in the worst of times and she not only stood beside me but also made me recover. She said that I reserve the best words for her and I said for others I write or speak words but for you these words have always been emotions. I never wanted to hang up my phone but already crossed conversation already crossed the hour mark so I decided to break my flow of words.

I may have received many gifts on the day but the part that mattered was the fulfilling conversation that I had with the zahir of my life was certainly the thing which will be the memoir for this birthday. I have turned 25 and certainly on the wrong side of twenties but with a heart which has words in the form of emotions imbibed in it. I have received wishes in plenty on this day, some may have forgotten to wish me but as I say some people don’t need an occasion to wish me as their wishes are always with me

A vengeance

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So after a brief moment away from writing, I am back again. So what happened in the month of april that has made me overcome the creative block. After struggling to find words to define what my heart was going through I decided to board the bus which took me to hills. I was on a solo trip to kasol and nearby area in parvati valley. The peace of the place just instilled words in me and I was back again to the thing that many say I am good at, yes poems part. I will be writing about my experience but it is time for few rhymes which I wrote sitting the cafe dedicated to Jim Morrison. Here it goes..
A vengeance…
A payback..
Let us not look back..
Start on a new note..
Write them as beautiful songs..
As there are only words..
That take your heart away..
Melt it and mold it in a way..
You love it everyday..
Hatred and love…
Two different emotions..
Those words unite them..
A surreal sensation..
You love it..
You hate it..
But the one who listens..
Admires it..
A vengeance long forgotten..
A payback never done..
But these words…
And the beautiful song..
A testimony of who has won..

Mirage Of Hope

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Walking home one day..
I heard a beautiful voice..
It was a beautiful day of spring..
The reason that made her sing..
The wind was still…
The trees were hushed..
I was lost in the song which I heard..
It was not just the words..
But the rise and fall of the melody..
Which held me in thrall..
Somehow made my heart stall..
Young tender voice..
Made my senses rejoice..
I left my path…
Moved towards the sound…
As soon as I came near..
My world turned around..
The singing stopped..
My heart still stalled…
Tried to climb back to reality…
Wondering about the nature’s alchemy..
I heard her once..
I heard her twice…
If I wanted I may have heard her thrice..
Drawing analogies..
There was something that didn’t suffice..
It was my inner angel..
Or a whistling thrush..
Rendering a broken melody..
To recite of my past, a beautiful memory..
She came and engaged..
All the pain she assuaged..
Turned my life page by page..
In form of a song performed on a stage..
I called her a mirage..
A mirage of hope…
As soon as you hear, she elopes..

The Start

The first month of the New Year is already gone and I am still not over the after effects of the New Year party. Time has always got better of me when it comes to the running part, and as a result I consider it as my enemy and I have been killing it from the inception. We are into the beautiful month of February and the Venus in me suddenly gets that threshold energy required for ignition and go on an over drive mode. The month of February with love not only in the air but also in emotion, infact every possible motion inspired me to write something. Love the most pure emotion and thus February being the purest of month, spreading love and binding hearts. Many people set hopes on the month of February to get someone special or wait for the past to come to sand again. I just close my eyes to get drowned in something too good to be true.

She wanted some peace and I needed some driving force to channel my thoughts into words..
We both met, talked and went to a coffee house. She peacefully sat and drank her coffee and I just captured her beauty in the most well-intentioned words…Her beautiful silence made me dream with open eyes or in others words I looked at her without a wink. After an hour of flirting with emotions, we left but not before presenting her with her words just put together is a song which will rhyme in the tone of music coming from disturbing the most lyrical chords attached to her heart and my words. The writer in me will not limit the meeting to few words, so here it goes.

As I mentioned she wanted some peace and I wanted to drown in the beauty of someone to overcome the creative block that has hindered the flow of words for days. Yes the ingredients of a perfect date were there and thus pushed me to ask her out for a coffee. We have never been very good friends but of late we both found ourselves very close to each other but still that closeness had nothing to do with the usual attraction part. To sum it up, after a gap of almost a year I was accompanied by someone to the place that brings out the best in me.

We took our seat in the most comfortable corner of the café with the sunlight lighting up our table. The winter and sun is a magical combination for people like us, nothing brings more joy than to relax under the sun with cold breeze of winter ruffling up your senses. We had the best place in the house, away from crowd and strong aroma of coffee just adding the missing part to the environment. Accompanying her was a book named Norwegian Wood, looking at the cover of it just brought back all memories associated while reading it. We had a brief discussion on the characters of the book and then she warned me against ruining the suspense of the book (the lighter part of it was that the book had none).

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She had a comely figure but what caught my attention was a saffron tint in her complexion. The eyebrows were crescent in shape and pointed inwards as soon as she caught me staring at her. Those swaying black hairs tumbling over her shoulder were enough for a person like me to get attracted to the beauty. Her lilac soft heart shaped lips and sugary voice were enough for me to get mesmerized by her presence. Adding to that the stain that her lips were leaving on the cup were driving me crazy. For a minute or so I wanted to be that cup so that I can taste those adorable lips.

After about an hour of drawing different pictures and arranging them to form a meaningful sequence I decided to give my thoughts a rest. I laid my head down and with my eyes closed I was trying to evince that connection or conversation with the invisible characters of my life. Seeing me she asked to get up and concentrate on writing the thing that has eluded me for the past 4 years. ‘My love for you exist in dreams so please don’t wake me up’, was my reply and trust me it came right from the sequence that I was dreaming about, it just bypassed my mind and thus came like a sweet riposte. She was surprised with my reply and for a few moments she was searching for words. After a long pause she said, ‘so your dreams are ought to be beautiful but reality will always lack as me and you, always in your dreams’.

Hearing her reply, my world in nascent stage came crashing down and as I say if you don’t have a girl you deserve a coffee. Coffee came to my rescue and I again turned my writing mode on so that I could come up with something that may act as a gift for her.

I dreamed.. She conquered..

I loved… She denied..

All this time, I wrote..

And She read..

In between those moments..

My dream came to sand..

Those flowing hair..

To that comely figure..

Cheeks like rose..

With perfection in her every pose..

As soon as I was closer to her..

The dream came to an end..

Probably creating a stir..

Writing this epistle,

I can picture her face..

My heart has remained still,

Lost in that beautiful trace..

 

And after fifteen minutes of my tussle with words, I came up with something and not disturbing her while she was reading, I left the place leaving the above rhyme for her to read. Not expecting anything from her I went home but sometimes the less you expect the more you get…

P.S. Mark this incident as complete… Writing further about what happened can only yield those biased words that I have reserved only for her…

Roses and Thorns

So again it is the most sought out week for the lovers and for a person like me some food for thought to ponder upon. Sometimes the beeping of the phone reminds you of the glorious days when this week used to have some sort of importance in your life. But the heights are reached when a beautiful someone is replaced by irritating notifications of candy crush. Love in me always finds a way out in some or the other form and recently it took me to some other world where I was with the angel of my fairy living all wishes that I ever had. People call me a master in expressing my heart out but when it comes to the beauty for whom your heart beats, it becomes all the more difficult to give words to the feelings. Without wasting any precious words I must get cracking in writing about that world which has made me meet my beauty in some parallel universe.

The story in the parallel universe has already taken an interesting turn. I have already seen a beautiful beginning with her but I didn’t want to see the end as nothing in this world is more beautiful than her. Ending that ongoing trend would have passed my beauty into nothingness and I cannot prove Mr. Keats wrong. She was like my escapades to life and my windows to dream. With a hope of meeting her at the cross roads again and her ever charming face in my mind I moved along. There was something that made me believe that this is not the end of the road and some day there will be a moment when we will talk away to glory and those beautiful walks will come to sand again.

My belief and hope came true and we met again but things were not the same. She again asked me that what I feel for her. With prior experience of a broken heart in my previous attempt to live happily with a beauty, I chose to limit my words. Smiling at her question I replied, “Your beauty is rare or one of a kind and labeling it as mine is not my intention, I forever want to be that admirer who will make you remember the attributes that you have.” Dumbstruck with my reply she was silent for a few moments and that loving silence made me question my decision of letting her go. But as soon as I started to doubt my decision she came with perhaps the most fitting reply which I was not expecting. She said, “My beauty is like a rose, I want you to be the thorns surrounding the rose and protect me from every admirer that comes my way as I want to get admired by someone who values my words, loves my silence and makes me feel special with his words. Will you do that?” The sky had fallen on me and looking into her deep eyes I could hardly mew a word but strength from an unknown source helped me give words to my emotions and I said yes with a smile. The whole coffee shop was watching both of us but we both were so lost in the emotions surrounding us that we felt as if world has stopped to witness perhaps the most captivating moment. We both were looking in each other’s eyes and were talking without words. We both knew that we will not be together as we wanted to be but still an esoteric relation will continue forever and the trace left will be followed by many and will glorify with every passing minute.

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The relation of roses and thorns between two people who once saw a world together. But as you know when the rose gets plucked, the thorns get separated from the rose and wait for the season where they can again have a rose to protect. Life moves on and you meet new people, some impress you while some admire you but there are some who take your heart away and in return becomes a part of you. She will forever be the reason of having rose as my favorite flower and smiling while walking amidst the gentle breeze. One day we will again meet at the top of the world and will see the glorious trace left behind and share those beautiful moments again. Till then I will live my dream to bring out the best in me.

P.S. A part of it is also a part of another blog..