Confession Of Heart

Twelfth of February, a day when strangeness combined with the loneliness and I found myself striking the keys of the keyboard to fill the room with some sort of cadence to allay that feeling of emptiness that has changed my life upside down. It is that month of the year where you find love brewing out of every corner but somehow my life has no unturned corner left and thus the feeling of emptiness has gripped me. My mind always remains in the practical world and my heart stranded with beauties and their thoughts. They never complement each other, just like two opposite faces of magnet. My heart always gets the better of my mind and Venus being the governing planet, my life has been a journey of falling in and out of love.

What has prompted me to write in this month of love which certainly had an ever lasting impact on me in the past but somehow has lost all its importance? Answer to this question will certainly result in interference of many emotions and my journey in both directions of love. It was very easy for me fall in love every time but that ease of falling in was nowhere to be seen when I discovered the pain of falling out. To recover from that pain, I have always resorted to someone and has resulted in me falling again. My life has always been complex; some have fallen in love with my words and when those words ceased, the phase of falling out started. Once an angel of a fairytale told me to love someone who doesn’t know that you are a master at writing those well intentioned words. Today remembering that beauty and her words brings a smile to my face. I may have ignored her at that point of time but probably she was right, it is the fault of the words that has resulted in the emptiness.

The world will never understand the power of words. My experience with love and hatred has made me experience the might of it. These words can take your heart away, melt it and mold it in a way that you fall in love again. As the strangeness and loneliness has gripped me, I have resorted to these words to break the silence of my life. Just opened the window and fell the evening azure, the breeze just made me remember the most cherished encounter with love. I was in love with her silence, those months when love brewed in my life taught me the power of loving silence. It can overpower any emotion in this world but somehow when my words broke their silence it was again back to a world when words became her preference over me. And now those well intentioned words have stopped coming out and so does the love of her is reaching the natural end.

All this while, I have been in thoughts of someone very different. People say love has a face and even today when I close my eyes I still see her. The phase when I was enjoying my share of love with someone else, her face always existed. She is the one to whom I couldn’t confess, these words built a castle of emotions around her in which she drowned but somehow came to the shore without uttering those words. My words fell short to attract her to my dream filled with emotions of pure love. Even today my words still find her in the core of heart but fail to understand the esoteric relation of life. My dilemma always ends up forming a rhyme and reciting that I have always believed…

What If..

My words find a way..

And tell her that she is the one..

 

What if..

She feels the same emotions..

That I feel..

 

What if..

She was waiting for me to confess,,

With a touch of emotional finesse..

 

What if..

Her heart beats for me..

Like mine beating for her..

 

What if..

She recites the same lullaby..

And her heart and mind rhymes in rhapsody..

 

What if..

She is the way to my dreams..

Breaking the flow of this monotonous stream..

 

What if..

In a parallel universe..

We walk together with every lyrical verse..

 

What If..

This confession compels me..

To write my heart to her..

 

What if..

She denies the feelings..

In which I believe..

Thus bringing an end to that face..

Which has left a beautiful trace..

 

This rise and fall of melody..

The dilemma of what if..

Always finds better of me..

Another try I will give..

My eyes closed, her beautiful face..

These emotions I shall live..

 

NOTE: FICTIONS ARE ALL MINE, FACTS ARE ALL YOURS

The Story Of Fall

“Reading a lot lately the stories of mills and boons and then I came across to your piece ‘TRUE LOVE + WE’. Reading it I had goosebumps and after finishing it I can definitely say your work is comparable to what I am reading. I haven’t heard about your writer side as the image of you is of a little studious boy who used to run away from girls at school.”  I don’t exactly remember the date but it was in the fall of 2013 when your above feedback just helped me grow as writer. My immediate reaction to your comment was, Thank God! Someone has read it and I jumped in the air out of exuberance that your beautiful words bought. Your words fueled my world of dreams with imagination on one hand and inspiration on the other. As you know Arushi, this was our first interaction and it perhaps began on the perfect note. You remember how quickly I replied to your comment and out of anxiety I dropped you a personal message. I was very lucky that day as you replied instantly and thus started something that acted as a catalyst in transforming my life.

This was the time when mobile internet was mainly of 2g and conversing on facebook was quite cumbersome. At times I had to wait for around 5 minutes for your reply, so in order to get this thing away I asked for your phone number and I had to wait for around 10 minutes for your reply. Yes I got the number and it was not for adding you on whatsapp but to drop a sms which lately have almost become extinct. Before dropping you the message I just checked profile on facebook as I couldn’t recall exactly how you looked or what connection you had with me. Your first picture just set the tone for the things to come, and indeed you are beautiful. I dropped you a message late at night and to be frank I was not expecting a reply. But as the day had panned out for me your reply came and we started chatting about random stuffs. You knew about my friends, brother and my exploits in school which you clearly mentioned in your comment as well. Yes Arushi, I remember that small confusion that you had of confusing my best friend with my brother. And when I told you the name of my brother, you were like the topper, IItian and what not.

Deeper shades of night got better of the conversation and I sensed that you dozed off at around 2am. I dropped a goodnight message that had few lines written for you and asked you to consider it as a token for your effort to go through my blog. The time was rough for me, I was coming out of a relation that lasted four years and had ended on the sorest note possible. You will know better than me about the attraction that I felt for you. In no time we were connected through messages almost the better part of the day. Those compliments given in a flurry were the best part. One night in that eventful fall I was missing you and constantly messaging you but with no replies. The night just worded my thoughts into a poem and I dropped it in your inbox. I was eager to get the feedback but was also wondering where it would take me in the journey towards attracting you to my world of dreams where words were making those sweet lullabies for you. Arushi, you loved the poem and waiting no further I admitted that I liked you and was platonically attracted towards you. You said I was in a haste and must take my time before drawing any steps further and I must admit it was like a setback. I decided not to force the issue further and messaged you an apology with message stating that I was leaving for Banaras.

If I were to say that it all started in Banaras then I will not be wrong. Spending the night at the banks of river Ganges with the breeze brushing past my face I could picture you sitting with me and talking away to glory. Yes I have always loved the way you called my name with all the exuberance, and today while writing about it I can hear your voice and not to mention, just loving it. “I miss you and our chats”, the message I received on the second day of my trip is something that I can recall word by word. I shared each and every detail of the errands with you and sent you pictures of places I visited. There was a sense of joy inside me which was just asking me to everything that required to get that smile on your face. You may not recall the details but for me those moments meant a world to me.

Yes you would call me in the evening and the way you called my name (AVI) was something that became the best part of the day. We somehow developed an understanding and when I went to my first job you were a constant support. I had told you many number of times that you are beautiful and my habit of speaking words from the heart gave way to the proposal on the Valentine’s Day. Yes I know you asked me a question, how would I propose a girl? And when I finished speaking you said yes. The long exile of not able to get those beautiful talks in person came to sand when I decided to join MBA and returned home. I chose a fancy Indian restaurant for the meeting but knowing you I knew that you wouldn’t like the sophistication and the very reason I suggested to move somewhere else. No jokes about my red helmet, the message which got delivered late because of the network and you felt bad because you already did the same that was not required of you.

The bike ride seemed the thing that interested you and so we did go on one and that too towards the hills. To define you I may be short of words but your expressive face which I saw through the rearview mirror was driving me crazy. In between you would lay your hands on me and I felt the warmth of your body which provided an adrenaline rush. After the breeze became cold, you grasped me from behind and came very near to me, I felt your breath on me and just wanted the time to stop on this beautiful juncture. Soon we entered the road going above Bhimtal (Hill station in North India) and then you signaled me to stop for a while. We moved towards a beautiful path, desolate and silent…The path grown with weeds and flowers beds buried under the thorn jungle. I took your hand and landed a kiss on it and to my amazement you didn’t protest. As the sun was setting so was the distance between us. I could still picture how the beautiful you were lighted by the rays of setting sun which just added to your beauty. You came infront of me and with the expressions I could tell that you were asking me to take the first move. I took you in my arms and wrapped your comely body with my hands. Then came the moment which made me believe that dreams do come true. Yes I will never forget the way I tasted you lilac soft, heart shaped lips and how beautiful that moment was when we both didn’t want to end that divine moment. I was nearest to the beauty of my life and how desperately I wanted to lay peacefully in your arms. But as we know all good things come to an end, the sound of people approaching towards us just abated the surreal moment.

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Yes I know this was probably our only meeting that was worth defining but still the bond only got stronger with time. I left for Dubai and you wished we luck, we were connected by various means provided by internet. Dubai chapter came to an abrupt end and to my surprise you too started to maintain a bit of distance from me. Clueless was me but still I didn’t gave up hope of being together. I returned from Dubai and noticed that you have completely forgotten me, and with a dilemma I made a call on your number. With all the emotions you called my name but as we were reaching the end of the conversation you asked for your freedom. I was surprised by your decision of letting something very precious move away from your life and such is my nature, I never protested. Vowed to remain together as friends but still I knew the memories of those glorious days will keep echoing in my heart.

As of today I stand blocked from all forms of communication related to you. Some people say love has a face and whenever I close my eyes I could a picture a girl who I met only once but her trace just lit up my world in the most beautiful way possible. I have more questions than answers but smiling at those question or confusions is something that life has taught me. All that is left is a box of random stuff from a fatal time period when the stranger that I am writing about was the most important person of my life. Those walks are no longer beautiful and those flowers are not blooming with fragrance. The essence of my every errand is missing. Visiting the place where we first met I sit in a corner, I notice a faint me walking past with that jubilant smile. I see a young boy holding hands of a beautiful girl, as I move I see and relive each and every moment spent here….A sudden cry breaks my dream, these moments will never come to sand again…

I think life has separated us, and we will end up in totally different places, I’ll always remember when our paths aligned from the period of time- and I’ll be thankful for that. And hope that, wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too. And I think that’s the best I can wish for if not her.

Disclaimer: This piece of fiction has a close association with one of my friends but still not the entire truth.72178_556928984347873_874920998_n

 

 

The Start

The first month of the New Year is already gone and I am still not over the after effects of the New Year party. Time has always got better of me when it comes to the running part, and as a result I consider it as my enemy and I have been killing it from the inception. We are into the beautiful month of February and the Venus in me suddenly gets that threshold energy required for ignition and go on an over drive mode. The month of February with love not only in the air but also in emotion, infact every possible motion inspired me to write something. Love the most pure emotion and thus February being the purest of month, spreading love and binding hearts. Many people set hopes on the month of February to get someone special or wait for the past to come to sand again. I just close my eyes to get drowned in something too good to be true.

She wanted some peace and I needed some driving force to channel my thoughts into words..
We both met, talked and went to a coffee house. She peacefully sat and drank her coffee and I just captured her beauty in the most well-intentioned words…Her beautiful silence made me dream with open eyes or in others words I looked at her without a wink. After an hour of flirting with emotions, we left but not before presenting her with her words just put together is a song which will rhyme in the tone of music coming from disturbing the most lyrical chords attached to her heart and my words. The writer in me will not limit the meeting to few words, so here it goes.

As I mentioned she wanted some peace and I wanted to drown in the beauty of someone to overcome the creative block that has hindered the flow of words for days. Yes the ingredients of a perfect date were there and thus pushed me to ask her out for a coffee. We have never been very good friends but of late we both found ourselves very close to each other but still that closeness had nothing to do with the usual attraction part. To sum it up, after a gap of almost a year I was accompanied by someone to the place that brings out the best in me.

We took our seat in the most comfortable corner of the café with the sunlight lighting up our table. The winter and sun is a magical combination for people like us, nothing brings more joy than to relax under the sun with cold breeze of winter ruffling up your senses. We had the best place in the house, away from crowd and strong aroma of coffee just adding the missing part to the environment. Accompanying her was a book named Norwegian Wood, looking at the cover of it just brought back all memories associated while reading it. We had a brief discussion on the characters of the book and then she warned me against ruining the suspense of the book (the lighter part of it was that the book had none).

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She had a comely figure but what caught my attention was a saffron tint in her complexion. The eyebrows were crescent in shape and pointed inwards as soon as she caught me staring at her. Those swaying black hairs tumbling over her shoulder were enough for a person like me to get attracted to the beauty. Her lilac soft heart shaped lips and sugary voice were enough for me to get mesmerized by her presence. Adding to that the stain that her lips were leaving on the cup were driving me crazy. For a minute or so I wanted to be that cup so that I can taste those adorable lips.

After about an hour of drawing different pictures and arranging them to form a meaningful sequence I decided to give my thoughts a rest. I laid my head down and with my eyes closed I was trying to evince that connection or conversation with the invisible characters of my life. Seeing me she asked to get up and concentrate on writing the thing that has eluded me for the past 4 years. ‘My love for you exist in dreams so please don’t wake me up’, was my reply and trust me it came right from the sequence that I was dreaming about, it just bypassed my mind and thus came like a sweet riposte. She was surprised with my reply and for a few moments she was searching for words. After a long pause she said, ‘so your dreams are ought to be beautiful but reality will always lack as me and you, always in your dreams’.

Hearing her reply, my world in nascent stage came crashing down and as I say if you don’t have a girl you deserve a coffee. Coffee came to my rescue and I again turned my writing mode on so that I could come up with something that may act as a gift for her.

I dreamed.. She conquered..

I loved… She denied..

All this time, I wrote..

And She read..

In between those moments..

My dream came to sand..

Those flowing hair..

To that comely figure..

Cheeks like rose..

With perfection in her every pose..

As soon as I was closer to her..

The dream came to an end..

Probably creating a stir..

Writing this epistle,

I can picture her face..

My heart has remained still,

Lost in that beautiful trace..

 

And after fifteen minutes of my tussle with words, I came up with something and not disturbing her while she was reading, I left the place leaving the above rhyme for her to read. Not expecting anything from her I went home but sometimes the less you expect the more you get…

P.S. Mark this incident as complete… Writing further about what happened can only yield those biased words that I have reserved only for her…

A dream

Sometimes I dream of a place..
A house of every beautiful trace..
The sun rising with the golden crown..
And setting in the other side of town..
From those whispering dawns
To silent dusks..
You experience the joy of life..
Sometimes it is the nature…
And at times your dreams growing in stature..
From numerous tree tops..
To those lush green lawns..
The serenity of the place lights up every dawn..
The flowers basking in their fragrance..
The music, lover’s cadence..
Those numerous birds chirping away..
Finding their place of stay..
Sun shining with a special glow…
Rivers whispering in their flow..
Turning to forest for a green shade..
Or waiting for the clouds, the white cascade..
Echoing sound in the nearby mountain ..
The glories of past, hardly faint..

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The place in itself is complete…
But only a part of the world..
My words may be complete..
But defining only a part of this emotional swirl..
Days look like dreams..
Nights as an inspiration…
The place surreal in description..
Getting better of my imagination..
An alluding cry i make to the god..
Thou shall allay me of all the fear…
To follow this nature’s steer..
It should take me to a place
where love is above hatred..
Nature is still sacred..
Evenings sing a lullaby…
Heart rhymes in rhapsody..
A place where you can dream..
Or a place made of dreams..

Dreamy phase

So finally an induced aberration of staying away from the thing that has always been my constant source of joy has no longer the power to tie my wings of imagination. Lately I have been going through a lot and things have become tough. Not going into details of my struggle as the usual grind of an MBA is what I am talking about. Last night I was lying on the bed and trying to sleep a bit early than usual in order to give the early morning class a try. But with high concentration of caffeine in my blood owing to my addiction of coffee didn’t allow me to achieve the same. This mere incident has inspired me to end the exile and again evince that esoteric relation between my words and someone’s smile. No prizes for guessing as it is the beauties who have a strangled hold on my words and my emotions.

72178_556928984347873_874920998_nArticulating it further, consider yourself in dire straits with all the doors closed. After struggling to find the key, you lose all hopes of survival but then you realize the key was there with you, just waiting to be picked. Such is life sometimes simple and at times full of puzzles. Though my articulation is not in concord with the above para and I am certainly hiding the missing link intentionally to just take the curiosity to another level. Probably it was not because coffee but because of a beautiful girl who has got hold of my imagination, that I couldn’t sleep. To understand this beautiful link we must go back 15 days when a simple message from a person or you can say a good friend just stirred my world and since then I am just loving the swirls. She is addictive in nature just like my expresso but the irony is that the refill is not free, you need to earn her words and some people call it hints. We talked for around 15 minutes but there was something special about those 15 minutes that have not allowed me to lie down in reality as dreaming of her has become a necessity. Days and nights are one and the same thing, nights make us dream with eyes closed and days with eyes open… Best part is when you try and preserve the dream to eke out a life out of it. Some call it madness but for me it is an impetus that keeps me driving and instills in me an urge to move that extra mile to turn my dream into reality.  I have known her for years but I was always as voiceless as a surd to tell her that she is beautiful. But the things were not the same and I took the opportunity and told her that she is beauty personified and with her every word the same gets exemplified (and for a change it rhymed). The trend continued and I got addicted to her voice and her helpful gesture of waking me up from the world of dreams.

Moving ahead and writing my heart out, I could sense her presence and it seems that I am reciting my life’s most beautiful passage to the most beautiful person I have ever met. In between I can hear those inaudible whispers that keeps me driving. She always talks about the hints that she will give but I know I am too naïve to understand those and my reason to come up with something for her. Yesterday was strange and I thought of not burdening her with waking up call but as soon as I lied down I couldn’t sleep and my heart started to rhyme. After completing the rhyme, dropped her a message and asked for the favor again. That point of time I realized that she has definitely become an important part of me. And someone who can wake me up from dreams, ought to be special and so is she. In my life she is like the sun, every day she will rise, reach the peak and set. In between the rise and set she imparts an inexplicable happiness. It’s a fact that sun rises every day and so does she. As the night grows dark, the joy of writing increases. I close my eyes to trigger the thought process but to my amazement I see an angel face. She drowns me in her beauty and takes me to a place where I belong. She is like the moon shining brightly despite the darkness and thus becoming the best part of the night.

I am enjoying this beautiful phase of a dream and I promise will always cherish it. Yes the coffee date is definitely on and adding a bit of ice cream to it will definitely add to the missing link. And yes if I talk of rhyme, I definitely write one

Someone told me there’s a girl out there..

With beautiful eyes and those flowing hairs..

I went to the place to find her..

I struggled, as there was no one to usher..

I looked for her at every beautiful place..

All I got was her beautiful trace…

I moved along and looked for her..

All I created in my mind was a stir..

Giving a try for many a day…

I was thinking of giving it a stay..

Then I saw her by the river..

Feelings of love started to trigger…

And soon as I came close…she went away..

But the beauty of her, still stay..

I looked for her in the footsteps of dawn..

Trying to find someone, never born…

Giving up the hope, I went back..

With the only glimpse in my memory’s stack..

Thinking of her, I went to bed..

Upon the pillow I laid my head..

I dreamed of her in my every sleep.. Happiness inside, made me weep..

I can sense her in the world surrounding me..

And I knew my dream was to be..

Then I met you, the charming face…

All it filled me with, was drops of grace..

My angel is you…my dream is you.

Now I believe, dreams do come true..

I looked for you in every sphere..

Not finding you was my fear…

Now I dream of you and you dream of me..

We will remain together in future to be..

Disclaimer: Facts are all yours and fictions are all mine…:P

A Tribute

Taking deep breaths before every writing session has become a habit of sorts. Probably a result of the uncertain time period associated with every sitting. Or trying to free my mind of any anchor that exists and ceases my imagination. You need to drown yourself in the idyllic place that your mind dreams and must catch hold of every word that your heart dictates. You cannot learn to write in the classes of creative writing, you need to experience, drown in them and then put it all together in those well intentioned words when you sit down to write. The most difficult art is to write a fiction as the experience part is missing from it. I prefer writing fictions as the pain associated with the facts of my life is unendurable. Some call me an absconder but I prefer not to land myself in some unwanted trouble that may hamper the flow of life. But sometimes writing some beautiful passages from your life helps you in learning few good things and reinstate that missing smile on you.

Yes today I am destined to write something about one of the most precious possession of my life. It was this month 6 years ago when an introvert approached an extrovert and thus changed the outlook, approach and course of my life. When you stand on a beach and try to move forward, you get a feeling of moving backward, such was my life before meeting that extrovert soul. If I say meeting, then you will have to go a further 5 years back when out of some forces of attraction I invited that girl to his birthday. That is what I remember of the relation that we shared at school. Life changed in those five years and every force of attraction was due to magnet or induced current, an elusive dream of clearing IIT was like the ruling planet of my life. As soon as I realized that the dream was too good to be true, I resorted to Venus and since then it in on an overdrive mode for six years.

Getting back to the context, yes I approached her after a gap of 5 years and since then I have never looked back. I still remember the start when we used to talk on gtalk messenger and everyday at 11 am sharp I would wait for her. Invariably she used to come and the sound of her ping used to make my day. If somehow she couldn’t come online, I used to check her orkut scraps for her presence. Those were orkut days and no facilities of checkins, so checking the scraps was the only source of information from which you can decipher anything. After the initial part of internet relation, we finally met not as strangers. We used to meet every day at stadium and used to talk for long hours about life. Yes those conversations left an ever lasting impact on me and transformed me into a person whom people love to talk. Slowly but steadily I started to feel the magic of love for her. Realising this she sealed our long conversations and beautiful meetings. I thought that my part of the story was done and dusted with the game of attraction again started with someone else. When I stood on the crossroads of labeling a beauty as mine I consulted her and after her nod I decided to become the opposite pole and get attracted to the other beauty.

The world of lies and sorrow started but I had her friendship still with me. Yes she was the first one to friendzone me and since that day the zone has only expanded and over powered every zone in life. Moving ahead with a beauty by my side and a friend like her was a joy. The happiness was shortlived and I found myself on the wrong side of the heart break, yes I call it wrong because the pain was all mine and the pleasure was all of the beauty. She came to my rescue and imparted a new sense of life in me and we somehow unlocked a new level of friendship. She has literally showed me that a boy and girl can be great friends, a level above the best friends. Photography and poems are the common link through which we are attached and not to forget the immune thread that we keep on stretching to discover new levels of a male female friendship (I read it as my friendzone). There is a hidden pleasure in loving someone who cannot love you back and the pleasure is all mine for the past six year and for a change the pun was unintentional.

Amiable, charming, amenable, amicable and etc are adjectives for common people but I have her name as replacement for theses and the power of her character overpowers each and every one of them. Her sweet voice makes me leap like a long lost voyager on seeing the shore. Her mere presence is what defines the world for me and her lessons (the ones forced on me by her) defines my path of life.

A picture form our photo-walk

A picture form our photo-walk

Every good thing comes to an end and so does our part of PANTNAGAR, which gave us those beautiful moments to cherish. Those photowalks will never be the same again and clicking pictures without her will no longer be a thing that I will look forward to. The worst part of distance is you don’t know whether they will miss you or forget you. But as I say distance is a physical quantity, a dimensionless vector, the displacement of our soul to soul connection stands at zero. The relation of peach and mango will continue forever. And yes I have ceased my forces of attraction so that no other beauty can come and reduce our area of friendzone. Though not no need to say this but I LOVE YOU..;-)

In bEtween

Sometimes you wonder about the transformations that you go through each and every day. This sudden introspection makes you think of the things that have been marked as clamant. These things establish a connection between your hear and mind thus evincing the beautiful rhymes.

In between every dusk and dawn..

Lies a new start..

Playing altogether a different part..

Moving along a broken path..

With all the feelings aftermath..

In between every start and end.

We live a life..

A subtle life..

Sometimes beautiful..

Sometimes dull..

Striving for an emotional lull.

In between dreams and reality..

There lies a struggle..

Unknown struggle..

Struggle to hear those inaudible whispers,

Which your mind deciphers..

And your heart becomes a spurner.

In between the smile and sigh..

Lies a silent cry..

An alluding cry

A cry that makes me think of you..

A cry pure as a morning dew..

In between you and me..

There lies a distance..

Transforming love into hatred.

Smile into pain

The reason for every change.

In my rhapsody and fantasy..

Still lies you

A beautiful you.

Slipping as the sand beneath my feet.

Or as a breeze brushing past my face..

Taking me to our world without leaving a trace.