Confession Of Heart

Twelfth of February, a day when strangeness combined with the loneliness and I found myself striking the keys of the keyboard to fill the room with some sort of cadence to allay that feeling of emptiness that has changed my life upside down. It is that month of the year where you find love brewing out of every corner but somehow my life has no unturned corner left and thus the feeling of emptiness has gripped me. My mind always remains in the practical world and my heart stranded with beauties and their thoughts. They never complement each other, just like two opposite faces of magnet. My heart always gets the better of my mind and Venus being the governing planet, my life has been a journey of falling in and out of love.

What has prompted me to write in this month of love which certainly had an ever lasting impact on me in the past but somehow has lost all its importance? Answer to this question will certainly result in interference of many emotions and my journey in both directions of love. It was very easy for me fall in love every time but that ease of falling in was nowhere to be seen when I discovered the pain of falling out. To recover from that pain, I have always resorted to someone and has resulted in me falling again. My life has always been complex; some have fallen in love with my words and when those words ceased, the phase of falling out started. Once an angel of a fairytale told me to love someone who doesn’t know that you are a master at writing those well intentioned words. Today remembering that beauty and her words brings a smile to my face. I may have ignored her at that point of time but probably she was right, it is the fault of the words that has resulted in the emptiness.

The world will never understand the power of words. My experience with love and hatred has made me experience the might of it. These words can take your heart away, melt it and mold it in a way that you fall in love again. As the strangeness and loneliness has gripped me, I have resorted to these words to break the silence of my life. Just opened the window and fell the evening azure, the breeze just made me remember the most cherished encounter with love. I was in love with her silence, those months when love brewed in my life taught me the power of loving silence. It can overpower any emotion in this world but somehow when my words broke their silence it was again back to a world when words became her preference over me. And now those well intentioned words have stopped coming out and so does the love of her is reaching the natural end.

All this while, I have been in thoughts of someone very different. People say love has a face and even today when I close my eyes I still see her. The phase when I was enjoying my share of love with someone else, her face always existed. She is the one to whom I couldn’t confess, these words built a castle of emotions around her in which she drowned but somehow came to the shore without uttering those words. My words fell short to attract her to my dream filled with emotions of pure love. Even today my words still find her in the core of heart but fail to understand the esoteric relation of life. My dilemma always ends up forming a rhyme and reciting that I have always believed…

What If..

My words find a way..

And tell her that she is the one..

 

What if..

She feels the same emotions..

That I feel..

 

What if..

She was waiting for me to confess,,

With a touch of emotional finesse..

 

What if..

Her heart beats for me..

Like mine beating for her..

 

What if..

She recites the same lullaby..

And her heart and mind rhymes in rhapsody..

 

What if..

She is the way to my dreams..

Breaking the flow of this monotonous stream..

 

What if..

In a parallel universe..

We walk together with every lyrical verse..

 

What If..

This confession compels me..

To write my heart to her..

 

What if..

She denies the feelings..

In which I believe..

Thus bringing an end to that face..

Which has left a beautiful trace..

 

This rise and fall of melody..

The dilemma of what if..

Always finds better of me..

Another try I will give..

My eyes closed, her beautiful face..

These emotions I shall live..

 

NOTE: FICTIONS ARE ALL MINE, FACTS ARE ALL YOURS

Advertisements

The Story Of Fall

“Reading a lot lately the stories of mills and boons and then I came across to your piece ‘TRUE LOVE + WE’. Reading it I had goosebumps and after finishing it I can definitely say your work is comparable to what I am reading. I haven’t heard about your writer side as the image of you is of a little studious boy who used to run away from girls at school.”  I don’t exactly remember the date but it was in the fall of 2013 when your above feedback just helped me grow as writer. My immediate reaction to your comment was, Thank God! Someone has read it and I jumped in the air out of exuberance that your beautiful words bought. Your words fueled my world of dreams with imagination on one hand and inspiration on the other. As you know Arushi, this was our first interaction and it perhaps began on the perfect note. You remember how quickly I replied to your comment and out of anxiety I dropped you a personal message. I was very lucky that day as you replied instantly and thus started something that acted as a catalyst in transforming my life.

This was the time when mobile internet was mainly of 2g and conversing on facebook was quite cumbersome. At times I had to wait for around 5 minutes for your reply, so in order to get this thing away I asked for your phone number and I had to wait for around 10 minutes for your reply. Yes I got the number and it was not for adding you on whatsapp but to drop a sms which lately have almost become extinct. Before dropping you the message I just checked profile on facebook as I couldn’t recall exactly how you looked or what connection you had with me. Your first picture just set the tone for the things to come, and indeed you are beautiful. I dropped you a message late at night and to be frank I was not expecting a reply. But as the day had panned out for me your reply came and we started chatting about random stuffs. You knew about my friends, brother and my exploits in school which you clearly mentioned in your comment as well. Yes Arushi, I remember that small confusion that you had of confusing my best friend with my brother. And when I told you the name of my brother, you were like the topper, IItian and what not.

Deeper shades of night got better of the conversation and I sensed that you dozed off at around 2am. I dropped a goodnight message that had few lines written for you and asked you to consider it as a token for your effort to go through my blog. The time was rough for me, I was coming out of a relation that lasted four years and had ended on the sorest note possible. You will know better than me about the attraction that I felt for you. In no time we were connected through messages almost the better part of the day. Those compliments given in a flurry were the best part. One night in that eventful fall I was missing you and constantly messaging you but with no replies. The night just worded my thoughts into a poem and I dropped it in your inbox. I was eager to get the feedback but was also wondering where it would take me in the journey towards attracting you to my world of dreams where words were making those sweet lullabies for you. Arushi, you loved the poem and waiting no further I admitted that I liked you and was platonically attracted towards you. You said I was in a haste and must take my time before drawing any steps further and I must admit it was like a setback. I decided not to force the issue further and messaged you an apology with message stating that I was leaving for Banaras.

If I were to say that it all started in Banaras then I will not be wrong. Spending the night at the banks of river Ganges with the breeze brushing past my face I could picture you sitting with me and talking away to glory. Yes I have always loved the way you called my name with all the exuberance, and today while writing about it I can hear your voice and not to mention, just loving it. “I miss you and our chats”, the message I received on the second day of my trip is something that I can recall word by word. I shared each and every detail of the errands with you and sent you pictures of places I visited. There was a sense of joy inside me which was just asking me to everything that required to get that smile on your face. You may not recall the details but for me those moments meant a world to me.

Yes you would call me in the evening and the way you called my name (AVI) was something that became the best part of the day. We somehow developed an understanding and when I went to my first job you were a constant support. I had told you many number of times that you are beautiful and my habit of speaking words from the heart gave way to the proposal on the Valentine’s Day. Yes I know you asked me a question, how would I propose a girl? And when I finished speaking you said yes. The long exile of not able to get those beautiful talks in person came to sand when I decided to join MBA and returned home. I chose a fancy Indian restaurant for the meeting but knowing you I knew that you wouldn’t like the sophistication and the very reason I suggested to move somewhere else. No jokes about my red helmet, the message which got delivered late because of the network and you felt bad because you already did the same that was not required of you.

The bike ride seemed the thing that interested you and so we did go on one and that too towards the hills. To define you I may be short of words but your expressive face which I saw through the rearview mirror was driving me crazy. In between you would lay your hands on me and I felt the warmth of your body which provided an adrenaline rush. After the breeze became cold, you grasped me from behind and came very near to me, I felt your breath on me and just wanted the time to stop on this beautiful juncture. Soon we entered the road going above Bhimtal (Hill station in North India) and then you signaled me to stop for a while. We moved towards a beautiful path, desolate and silent…The path grown with weeds and flowers beds buried under the thorn jungle. I took your hand and landed a kiss on it and to my amazement you didn’t protest. As the sun was setting so was the distance between us. I could still picture how the beautiful you were lighted by the rays of setting sun which just added to your beauty. You came infront of me and with the expressions I could tell that you were asking me to take the first move. I took you in my arms and wrapped your comely body with my hands. Then came the moment which made me believe that dreams do come true. Yes I will never forget the way I tasted you lilac soft, heart shaped lips and how beautiful that moment was when we both didn’t want to end that divine moment. I was nearest to the beauty of my life and how desperately I wanted to lay peacefully in your arms. But as we know all good things come to an end, the sound of people approaching towards us just abated the surreal moment.

wp-1461690748813.jpg

Yes I know this was probably our only meeting that was worth defining but still the bond only got stronger with time. I left for Dubai and you wished we luck, we were connected by various means provided by internet. Dubai chapter came to an abrupt end and to my surprise you too started to maintain a bit of distance from me. Clueless was me but still I didn’t gave up hope of being together. I returned from Dubai and noticed that you have completely forgotten me, and with a dilemma I made a call on your number. With all the emotions you called my name but as we were reaching the end of the conversation you asked for your freedom. I was surprised by your decision of letting something very precious move away from your life and such is my nature, I never protested. Vowed to remain together as friends but still I knew the memories of those glorious days will keep echoing in my heart.

As of today I stand blocked from all forms of communication related to you. Some people say love has a face and whenever I close my eyes I could a picture a girl who I met only once but her trace just lit up my world in the most beautiful way possible. I have more questions than answers but smiling at those question or confusions is something that life has taught me. All that is left is a box of random stuff from a fatal time period when the stranger that I am writing about was the most important person of my life. Those walks are no longer beautiful and those flowers are not blooming with fragrance. The essence of my every errand is missing. Visiting the place where we first met I sit in a corner, I notice a faint me walking past with that jubilant smile. I see a young boy holding hands of a beautiful girl, as I move I see and relive each and every moment spent here….A sudden cry breaks my dream, these moments will never come to sand again…

I think life has separated us, and we will end up in totally different places, I’ll always remember when our paths aligned from the period of time- and I’ll be thankful for that. And hope that, wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too. And I think that’s the best I can wish for if not her.

Disclaimer: This piece of fiction has a close association with one of my friends but still not the entire truth.72178_556928984347873_874920998_n

 

 

The Rhyme of Life (Collection of poems)

Yesterday I received my first fan mail and apart from praising my efforts, the fan wanted to read the story of my love in the form of a poem. Luckily I had my diary still in place and I could type all that in a single go. These mails are very rare for people like me as the materialistic nature of the world has changed the complexion of the word success. So in an effort to not to disappoint my friend, here is a collection that aptly describes that rare beauty.

It always starts with dreaming of a girl and it was no different in my case too. I always wondered about the existence of the girl that I dream off. You call it an infatuation or something else but still at one point of time my love was intangible and it was with my dream.

As I return from the land of dreams,

I think of beauty in every possible stream.

Went outside and felt the morning azure,

Whether I will find a beauty, I wasn’t sure.

Looking for a beauty, in a fairy tale..

The admirer in me will never fail…

I think of a special face,

And find it in every possible place.

Then came you, with a distinct style,

The thing that struck me was your smile.

My heart was filled with drops of grace,

I knew it was from you, the angel face.

Your attire so flawless in craft,

Made me an admirer of this art.

Some may say I was turning mad..

But all I knew that nothing can make me sad.

You are one of the sweetest soul,

We will share a relation, permanent as a mole.

I heard your voice which made me leap,

Happiness inside, was making me weep.

U are so amiable and caring..

Talking to you my mind can’t stop swirling.

Thinking of you in the sands of time,

All I can up with is an unbreakable rhyme.

Blessed with such beautiful eyes…

That no one can ever surmise.

Hands so soft, cheeks like rose,

Best part is that you never pose.

Aura surrounding you is magical,

And everything in you is wonderful.

All these facts accrue…

You are beautiful, it’s true…

After those beautiful dreams you start to doubt whether the beauty of your dreams still exist or not and then a sudden realization makes you remember the immortal nature of the beauty. This esoteric nature of beauty inspires you to give another try and thus meeting her. This is the first step towards a beautiful beginning.

Someone told me there’s a girl out there..

With beautiful eyes and those flowing hairs..

I went to the place to find her..

I struggled, as there was no one to usher..

I looked for her at every beautiful place..

All I got was her beautiful trace…

I moved along and looked for her..

All I created in my mind was a stir..

Giving a try for many a day…

I was thinking of giving it a stay..

Then I saw her by the river..

Feelings of love started to trigger…

And soon as I came close…she went away..

But the beauty of her, still stay..

I looked for her in the footsteps of dawn..

Trying to find someone, never born…

Giving up the hope, I went back..

With the only glimpse in my memory’s stack..

Thinking of her, I went to bed..

Upon the pillow I laid my head..

I dreamed of her in my every sleep..

Happiness inside, made me weep..

I can sense her in the world surrounding me..

And I knew my dream was to be..

Then I met you, the charming face…

All it filled me with, was drops of grace..

My angel is you…my dream is you.

Now I believe, dreams do come true..

I looked for you in every sphere..

Not finding you was my fear…

Now I dream of you and you dream of me..

We will remain together in future to be..

After meeting your beauty, you hear the sound of violin in backdrop and thus making you all the more nervous to approach her. Infinite times you try and try and give indications but the convention of a boy speaking it takes a toll on your every effort. The below poem describes the dilemma that I found myself in and trust me this the most interesting phase of loving a person as there is a hidden pleasure in loving someone who doesn’t know your feelings.

Beautiful you are…humble you are..

The irony is that you live so far..

We are connected with words..

And have seen together a beautiful world.

Hearing the chirping of beautiful birds..

Reminds me of a sweet voice, once I heard..

Birds reminds of the letter which once I received..

And the feelings so pure, in which I believe…

I think of sending a message to your place…

Birds the carrier, find it easy as you leave a beautiful trace..

The message of truth…

The message of worth…

The message uniting our worlds..

Is what I want to send you..

As I want to eliminate everything obscuring our view..

The feeling that I want to convey to you..

The emotions that I want in to accrue..

Results in me, gasping for words…

But there is something in my heart that pushes me forward…

Thousands thoughts my mind berserk..

And now I know, I am such a jerk.

In between all this, birds flew away..

The message in the heart, still stay..

One day I will try again..

One day I will write again..

That day I will send u the message..

And make sure it will add another para to our beautiful passage..

Till then I will say, just wait for me..

As you still have to see the best of me..

After your countless tries, the moment comes when you start to give words to the purest of emotions. Though not easy but still the heart makes each and every effort to please you and come up with something that can strike a beautiful connection with heart of the reader. Yes the proposal and yes it is different from proposal writing that you do in MBA.

As the wind ushers past my face…

Touching my life’s every possible space..

Went outside to feel the morning azure..

Drowned in the thoughts of beauty, so pure…

Thinking of her, my heart flew..

I think of you, I dream of you..

Thinking of the past, things were tough..

The act of betrayal, the time was rough..

One day an angel came…

With all the happiness and gave me some..

Dumbstruck by her beauty, I cannot mew..

And now I say…I think of you, I dream of you..

The past was blown away…

Memories no longer stay..

Such was the power of your conciliation.

And I found myself in a different situation..

You have always given me happiness in lieu..

I think of you, I dream of you..

You have gotten hold on my imagination..

My heart is filled with elation..

Someday I will follow the beautiful trace..

Thinking of you, the angel face..

I wake up in senses completely blue..

As I think of you, I dream of you..

You made me dream again..

You made me live again..

You bought back the smile amidst all the pain..

And now I know we will meet again..

From morning till night, my thoughts accrue..

I think of you, I dream of you.. And I say I LOVE YOU

Though love is a very pure and rare gift, but today’s youth has made love a commercial commodity and a synonym to mutual funds that you buy for your benefit. Patch ups, break ups have become a status symbol and the true essence of love has been lost. Yes I am talking about the heart break and perhaps the other side of this beautiful emotion. This side of love is fatal and can lead you to limbo where your life passes into nothingness.

I dreamed of a beautiful tomorrow..

Away from all the pain and sorrow..

My dream was too good to be true..

So it’s the pain that all accrue..

I dreamed of you, you dreamed of me..

How beautiful our life was to be..

You came one day and asked for freedom..

I faced the emptiness and pain both in tandem..

The pain was such, which made me cry…

But for the sake of you, I gave it another try..

Selflessly killed the self inside me..

Thinking God will guide me to the future to be..

With all the pain I tried to impart smile on you..

I never knew u already have seen something new..

My world came crashing down…

I fell for that illusive crown…

Amidst all the pain there was a thought..

That you’ll love me irrespective of every odd..

Perhaps my love was not that strong..

And I expected more as we move along..

Once you danced with my angels…

The sound of you silence problems coming from every angle..

Once I was your little ferret…

And we shared a love pure as 24 karat..

I have no reason to live for…

As my life, my love has moved to a place that is far..

When you fall in love for the first time, you cannot get that person out of your life for the rest of your life. You can never do that! You may learn to love again, move-on, or find a new life partner but the memories of your first love always remain, no matter how hard you try to get them away. The nostalgia grips you and you try to beat it by every possible mean. These memories can never cease as your love was a part of you and losing it was not in your nearest of view.

there was a time..

amidst this unstoppable rhyme..

when we walked hand in hand..

and those flowery beds fell on sand..

there was a world..

which had love with numerous swirls..

words left unsaid, and feelings untouched..

moving together, we made a beautiful trace as such…

there was a dream…

that gave us happiness in every stream..

carrying that happiness we moved along..

to a place of ours, to which we belong..

there was a friend..

whom I loved, with no end..

I hoped to carry her all my life..

but what got better of me was that bitter strife..

there was a life..

there was a world..

there was a dream..

there was a friend..

accruing all I have become a lover…

who speaks words that his heart utter…

I look for her in the rainbow, beyond the horizon..

as my love had everything and was an emblazon…

there is a pain…

and so is the reason for all the refrain..

life will move on and we both will get everything new…

but these memories will give a smile in lieu…

all’s that left is an afterglow…

for those beautiful memories to flow..

we will meet again, when we both will be  cat and dogs…

till then I will continue to write these beautiful blogs..

There will be a time when you mind will freeze and heart will ache and you’ll long for that sweet voice which silenced all the daemons inside you. You will follow the lines that charity begins at home and will give her the forgiveness. Sometimes just the voice of a friend soothes your mind and relaxes your anxieties. You smile as if there is no tomorrow and talk as if there is no end. The problems that were not allowing you to lie down are left behind and you smile at them thinking about the undeserved value they got. Life becomes beautiful again and to your past (problems) you say YOU WERE NOT WORTH IT.

One day I will meet u again..

One day I will ask u again..

One day we will talk again..

One day you will see me again.

One day I will see u again..

But what will remain, will be a refrain..

The consciousness, when i regain..

I will not look up and think of you again..

You were a part of me…

And perhaps the most beautiful thing to be…

I lost you, you went away…

And in the course, I lost the way..

Today I realize, you lied to me..

But your tears I don’t want to see..

the forgiveness, you don’t deserve..

but life is beautiful, I have that love in reserve…

the biggest gift I can give is to forgive..

move away from your life and let you live..

we lost it in the course of time..

now I am breaking this profound rhyme…

one day you will turn around..

and see the things that have come to ground..

I will play hide and seek with you..

Because my love is limited for only a few..

you don’t need my love, i know it..

But someday you’ll understand my bit…

happiness is what I dreamed off..

but now I feel that I am shrugged off..

live moves on as pendulum swings..

I will come back, when the pain will stop to sting..

from your life, I may have signed off..

but you will feel the void when you’ll have no one to think of..

After your entire struggle you try and move to a different path but still emptiness, a void remains in your life. Though the beauty of the memories holds no meanings in your life but still you think of that beauty and try and relive the moments. I relive them by fighting the pain and writing it down by giving it the most beautiful words. I am not a writer but I am still writing….

Thinking beyond the ordinary..

with a gentle wind brushing past my face..

those countless moments of anguish..

those beautiful memories of love..

A storm of thoughts they trigger..

A question that still lingers.

Facing the things that meant the world to me..

but are not in the future to be..

Every morning that I step in..

To a never ending night…

A continuous fight with an emptiness of sorts.

A constant feeling that never stops..

Life of a puppet..

is what I call mine..

emotionally strangled is me..

but with a hope to change everything with an accuracy of a dime..

penning it all down..

the memories in which I drown..

And I say I am not a fighter..

but I am still fighting..

I am not a writer…

But I am still writing…

The dream of that beautiful someone who brings a smile to your face, makes you refuse to come back to reality in the morning. If by chance you don’t meet that person in your dream, wait for the the pacifying night and lie down amidst the stars, you will definitely find that person very close to you. The fact is sometimes you wish your dream may never end and other times the wait for the night glorifies. I hope I have not disappointed my fan….(please ignore the mistakes as cold weather has made me lazy and compelled me to post without the proof read)

IMG_9312