Confession Of Heart

Twelfth of February, a day when strangeness combined with the loneliness and I found myself striking the keys of the keyboard to fill the room with some sort of cadence to allay that feeling of emptiness that has changed my life upside down. It is that month of the year where you find love brewing out of every corner but somehow my life has no unturned corner left and thus the feeling of emptiness has gripped me. My mind always remains in the practical world and my heart stranded with beauties and their thoughts. They never complement each other, just like two opposite faces of magnet. My heart always gets the better of my mind and Venus being the governing planet, my life has been a journey of falling in and out of love.

What has prompted me to write in this month of love which certainly had an ever lasting impact on me in the past but somehow has lost all its importance? Answer to this question will certainly result in interference of many emotions and my journey in both directions of love. It was very easy for me fall in love every time but that ease of falling in was nowhere to be seen when I discovered the pain of falling out. To recover from that pain, I have always resorted to someone and has resulted in me falling again. My life has always been complex; some have fallen in love with my words and when those words ceased, the phase of falling out started. Once an angel of a fairytale told me to love someone who doesn’t know that you are a master at writing those well intentioned words. Today remembering that beauty and her words brings a smile to my face. I may have ignored her at that point of time but probably she was right, it is the fault of the words that has resulted in the emptiness.

The world will never understand the power of words. My experience with love and hatred has made me experience the might of it. These words can take your heart away, melt it and mold it in a way that you fall in love again. As the strangeness and loneliness has gripped me, I have resorted to these words to break the silence of my life. Just opened the window and fell the evening azure, the breeze just made me remember the most cherished encounter with love. I was in love with her silence, those months when love brewed in my life taught me the power of loving silence. It can overpower any emotion in this world but somehow when my words broke their silence it was again back to a world when words became her preference over me. And now those well intentioned words have stopped coming out and so does the love of her is reaching the natural end.

All this while, I have been in thoughts of someone very different. People say love has a face and even today when I close my eyes I still see her. The phase when I was enjoying my share of love with someone else, her face always existed. She is the one to whom I couldn’t confess, these words built a castle of emotions around her in which she drowned but somehow came to the shore without uttering those words. My words fell short to attract her to my dream filled with emotions of pure love. Even today my words still find her in the core of heart but fail to understand the esoteric relation of life. My dilemma always ends up forming a rhyme and reciting that I have always believed…

What If..

My words find a way..

And tell her that she is the one..

 

What if..

She feels the same emotions..

That I feel..

 

What if..

She was waiting for me to confess,,

With a touch of emotional finesse..

 

What if..

Her heart beats for me..

Like mine beating for her..

 

What if..

She recites the same lullaby..

And her heart and mind rhymes in rhapsody..

 

What if..

She is the way to my dreams..

Breaking the flow of this monotonous stream..

 

What if..

In a parallel universe..

We walk together with every lyrical verse..

 

What If..

This confession compels me..

To write my heart to her..

 

What if..

She denies the feelings..

In which I believe..

Thus bringing an end to that face..

Which has left a beautiful trace..

 

This rise and fall of melody..

The dilemma of what if..

Always finds better of me..

Another try I will give..

My eyes closed, her beautiful face..

These emotions I shall live..

 

NOTE: FICTIONS ARE ALL MINE, FACTS ARE ALL YOURS

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Emotional Drinker

Slowly but steadily the cracking sound of my keyboard has traversed its journey from being a rarity to becoming a daily affair. Yes you cannot keep me away from words for long as something that has a strangle hold on your heart and mind cannot lay peacefully in hibernation. It finds a way to surface out and thus evincing that beautiful connection that rules my life. From frustration to jubilation, love to hatred, facts to fiction, these words have always paved their way out of my heart and thus allayed me from incongruous situations. Yes these words are my escapades to life, my windows to romance and my companion for life. They have neither betrayed me nor left me like all those beauties who took my heart away in haste and never returned to see the person who once lived for their smile. As I say hatred has over powered love and to assuage our pain we resort to various assuagers. Let us drift away from the pain and talk a bit about those pain relieving substances.

Delhi is a place where you find beauties and beasts living in harmony with each other and painting together a bigger picture. On a green evening I also got lucky and had a beauty by my side. Yes the connection between beauties and me is incessant and always interferes with my rainbow of imagination. Articulating it further, I was with a girl and we were roaming around the busy street of Khan Market. With intermittent overdrive from Venus i.e. flirts, we both were talking about life and how it has treated us. 10153807_10200999596791780_6855847473793480649_nWe both decided to give our feet a rest and went to the CAFÉ OUT OF THE BOX. She didn’t take long and ordered one pint of CORONA and looking at her I could have easily guessed her ordered. She was about to make it two but I interrupted and asked for VIRGIN MOJITO. She burst into laughter and asked me a simple question, what is so virgin about your life? Instead you should go with a dirty mojito. I was gasping for words but somehow I gave an answer, I said ‘yes it is an irony that a person like me prefers it but if you leave the dirty part of the story aside, I want to feel the opposite of what I feel everyday i.e. fucked up and being a fan of Hemingway I went with mojito. On a serious note don’t feel like drinking at this point of the day.’ She burst out laughing and after few censored words she was back in her senses. Lack of alcohol makes the mojito virgin just like life without problems and spicing it up invariably makes it dirty as in the dirty variant of mojito.

My knowledge of beverages is something that I always boast about when going out with a complete stranger to my complex world of emotions. As we started to talk the sacred liquid inside the small bottle was making short work of her, a discharge from normal after three pints of CORONA is what you call corona discharge and not the one which you study in those electrical classes. After dodging her many questions she came up with a sober one and I chose not to dodge it, an aberration of sorts if you compare with my previous encounters. She asked, ‘do you drink? Are you an occasional drinker?’ No I am not an occasional drinker. Surprised by my reply she said, ‘looking by what I have seen of you, you are not an avid drinker so

long island iced tea :P

long island iced tea 😛

what are you?’ I chose to duck under the follow up question and changed the tide. After a discussion on almost every topic you can think of, we got stuck on the word love. Hearing this not so common four letter word (common being lust), the emotions started to flow and you search for a thing to allay you of all the pain. The absence of any writing medium made me resort to long island ice tea, the sacred liquid that I talked about. Those beautifully crafted bottles perfect for photography, excites me rather than the content inside them. After the first LIT, second was flirting with my tongue and the first one was trying to get better of my mind. Informal candid chats continued and we both were enjoying each other’s company and as soon as third LIT started running turmoil inside me, the dance floor was looking as the place to be. After dancing for an hour we decided to take a walk outside. The best part of the night is always that walk which makes you forget all the tensions and eases you from all the anchors. ‘You are not an occasional drinker, you are an emotional drinker ‘, were her first words and unknowingly (I think so) she kicked me. Time is strange and a glass of long island ice tea is making short work of people…Adding a long island to the ice and tea can change the whole game. People get hit sensually and thinking of the satire in getting hit I get hit physically.

With aching head, paining heart, revolving world and lost senses we both bid a goodbye to each other. Yes nothing happened between us but a lot happened inside my heart and mind. I woke up the next day completely blue and an overdose of LIT coupled with a pretty lady was already taking a toll on me. But still there was an urge to write something and I came up with a poem of what I felt that morning. Here it goes-

Opening my eyes…

In the world so pure..

Wine on one hand,

And beauty on the other..

For every emotional cure…

Looking in her eyes..

Drowning in the deep ocean..

With sips of wine…

A surreal sensation..

The whole world exhilarated

My heart intoxicated..

Evincing the connection..

Between the heart and wine..

With the beauty promising to be mine..

The mirror, the glass and the sound of pouring..

The touch, the aroma of the beauty so captivating…

Choosing between this wine and beauty..

The mind starts to sing a lullaby…

The wine taking me higher and higher..

But it resides in beauty’s cellar..

Beauty with wine of every kind..

A dilemma ties up my mind..

Whether the Small potions of wine. Make my world daze..

Or it is not the fault of wine..

But her gaze…     

And I am back to mojito virgin in nature, a cure for hangovers. Enjoy this encounter with the beauty and the alcohol which many regard as a deadly combination.

The Rhyme of Life (Collection of poems)

Yesterday I received my first fan mail and apart from praising my efforts, the fan wanted to read the story of my love in the form of a poem. Luckily I had my diary still in place and I could type all that in a single go. These mails are very rare for people like me as the materialistic nature of the world has changed the complexion of the word success. So in an effort to not to disappoint my friend, here is a collection that aptly describes that rare beauty.

It always starts with dreaming of a girl and it was no different in my case too. I always wondered about the existence of the girl that I dream off. You call it an infatuation or something else but still at one point of time my love was intangible and it was with my dream.

As I return from the land of dreams,

I think of beauty in every possible stream.

Went outside and felt the morning azure,

Whether I will find a beauty, I wasn’t sure.

Looking for a beauty, in a fairy tale..

The admirer in me will never fail…

I think of a special face,

And find it in every possible place.

Then came you, with a distinct style,

The thing that struck me was your smile.

My heart was filled with drops of grace,

I knew it was from you, the angel face.

Your attire so flawless in craft,

Made me an admirer of this art.

Some may say I was turning mad..

But all I knew that nothing can make me sad.

You are one of the sweetest soul,

We will share a relation, permanent as a mole.

I heard your voice which made me leap,

Happiness inside, was making me weep.

U are so amiable and caring..

Talking to you my mind can’t stop swirling.

Thinking of you in the sands of time,

All I can up with is an unbreakable rhyme.

Blessed with such beautiful eyes…

That no one can ever surmise.

Hands so soft, cheeks like rose,

Best part is that you never pose.

Aura surrounding you is magical,

And everything in you is wonderful.

All these facts accrue…

You are beautiful, it’s true…

After those beautiful dreams you start to doubt whether the beauty of your dreams still exist or not and then a sudden realization makes you remember the immortal nature of the beauty. This esoteric nature of beauty inspires you to give another try and thus meeting her. This is the first step towards a beautiful beginning.

Someone told me there’s a girl out there..

With beautiful eyes and those flowing hairs..

I went to the place to find her..

I struggled, as there was no one to usher..

I looked for her at every beautiful place..

All I got was her beautiful trace…

I moved along and looked for her..

All I created in my mind was a stir..

Giving a try for many a day…

I was thinking of giving it a stay..

Then I saw her by the river..

Feelings of love started to trigger…

And soon as I came close…she went away..

But the beauty of her, still stay..

I looked for her in the footsteps of dawn..

Trying to find someone, never born…

Giving up the hope, I went back..

With the only glimpse in my memory’s stack..

Thinking of her, I went to bed..

Upon the pillow I laid my head..

I dreamed of her in my every sleep..

Happiness inside, made me weep..

I can sense her in the world surrounding me..

And I knew my dream was to be..

Then I met you, the charming face…

All it filled me with, was drops of grace..

My angel is you…my dream is you.

Now I believe, dreams do come true..

I looked for you in every sphere..

Not finding you was my fear…

Now I dream of you and you dream of me..

We will remain together in future to be..

After meeting your beauty, you hear the sound of violin in backdrop and thus making you all the more nervous to approach her. Infinite times you try and try and give indications but the convention of a boy speaking it takes a toll on your every effort. The below poem describes the dilemma that I found myself in and trust me this the most interesting phase of loving a person as there is a hidden pleasure in loving someone who doesn’t know your feelings.

Beautiful you are…humble you are..

The irony is that you live so far..

We are connected with words..

And have seen together a beautiful world.

Hearing the chirping of beautiful birds..

Reminds me of a sweet voice, once I heard..

Birds reminds of the letter which once I received..

And the feelings so pure, in which I believe…

I think of sending a message to your place…

Birds the carrier, find it easy as you leave a beautiful trace..

The message of truth…

The message of worth…

The message uniting our worlds..

Is what I want to send you..

As I want to eliminate everything obscuring our view..

The feeling that I want to convey to you..

The emotions that I want in to accrue..

Results in me, gasping for words…

But there is something in my heart that pushes me forward…

Thousands thoughts my mind berserk..

And now I know, I am such a jerk.

In between all this, birds flew away..

The message in the heart, still stay..

One day I will try again..

One day I will write again..

That day I will send u the message..

And make sure it will add another para to our beautiful passage..

Till then I will say, just wait for me..

As you still have to see the best of me..

After your countless tries, the moment comes when you start to give words to the purest of emotions. Though not easy but still the heart makes each and every effort to please you and come up with something that can strike a beautiful connection with heart of the reader. Yes the proposal and yes it is different from proposal writing that you do in MBA.

As the wind ushers past my face…

Touching my life’s every possible space..

Went outside to feel the morning azure..

Drowned in the thoughts of beauty, so pure…

Thinking of her, my heart flew..

I think of you, I dream of you..

Thinking of the past, things were tough..

The act of betrayal, the time was rough..

One day an angel came…

With all the happiness and gave me some..

Dumbstruck by her beauty, I cannot mew..

And now I say…I think of you, I dream of you..

The past was blown away…

Memories no longer stay..

Such was the power of your conciliation.

And I found myself in a different situation..

You have always given me happiness in lieu..

I think of you, I dream of you..

You have gotten hold on my imagination..

My heart is filled with elation..

Someday I will follow the beautiful trace..

Thinking of you, the angel face..

I wake up in senses completely blue..

As I think of you, I dream of you..

You made me dream again..

You made me live again..

You bought back the smile amidst all the pain..

And now I know we will meet again..

From morning till night, my thoughts accrue..

I think of you, I dream of you.. And I say I LOVE YOU

Though love is a very pure and rare gift, but today’s youth has made love a commercial commodity and a synonym to mutual funds that you buy for your benefit. Patch ups, break ups have become a status symbol and the true essence of love has been lost. Yes I am talking about the heart break and perhaps the other side of this beautiful emotion. This side of love is fatal and can lead you to limbo where your life passes into nothingness.

I dreamed of a beautiful tomorrow..

Away from all the pain and sorrow..

My dream was too good to be true..

So it’s the pain that all accrue..

I dreamed of you, you dreamed of me..

How beautiful our life was to be..

You came one day and asked for freedom..

I faced the emptiness and pain both in tandem..

The pain was such, which made me cry…

But for the sake of you, I gave it another try..

Selflessly killed the self inside me..

Thinking God will guide me to the future to be..

With all the pain I tried to impart smile on you..

I never knew u already have seen something new..

My world came crashing down…

I fell for that illusive crown…

Amidst all the pain there was a thought..

That you’ll love me irrespective of every odd..

Perhaps my love was not that strong..

And I expected more as we move along..

Once you danced with my angels…

The sound of you silence problems coming from every angle..

Once I was your little ferret…

And we shared a love pure as 24 karat..

I have no reason to live for…

As my life, my love has moved to a place that is far..

When you fall in love for the first time, you cannot get that person out of your life for the rest of your life. You can never do that! You may learn to love again, move-on, or find a new life partner but the memories of your first love always remain, no matter how hard you try to get them away. The nostalgia grips you and you try to beat it by every possible mean. These memories can never cease as your love was a part of you and losing it was not in your nearest of view.

there was a time..

amidst this unstoppable rhyme..

when we walked hand in hand..

and those flowery beds fell on sand..

there was a world..

which had love with numerous swirls..

words left unsaid, and feelings untouched..

moving together, we made a beautiful trace as such…

there was a dream…

that gave us happiness in every stream..

carrying that happiness we moved along..

to a place of ours, to which we belong..

there was a friend..

whom I loved, with no end..

I hoped to carry her all my life..

but what got better of me was that bitter strife..

there was a life..

there was a world..

there was a dream..

there was a friend..

accruing all I have become a lover…

who speaks words that his heart utter…

I look for her in the rainbow, beyond the horizon..

as my love had everything and was an emblazon…

there is a pain…

and so is the reason for all the refrain..

life will move on and we both will get everything new…

but these memories will give a smile in lieu…

all’s that left is an afterglow…

for those beautiful memories to flow..

we will meet again, when we both will be  cat and dogs…

till then I will continue to write these beautiful blogs..

There will be a time when you mind will freeze and heart will ache and you’ll long for that sweet voice which silenced all the daemons inside you. You will follow the lines that charity begins at home and will give her the forgiveness. Sometimes just the voice of a friend soothes your mind and relaxes your anxieties. You smile as if there is no tomorrow and talk as if there is no end. The problems that were not allowing you to lie down are left behind and you smile at them thinking about the undeserved value they got. Life becomes beautiful again and to your past (problems) you say YOU WERE NOT WORTH IT.

One day I will meet u again..

One day I will ask u again..

One day we will talk again..

One day you will see me again.

One day I will see u again..

But what will remain, will be a refrain..

The consciousness, when i regain..

I will not look up and think of you again..

You were a part of me…

And perhaps the most beautiful thing to be…

I lost you, you went away…

And in the course, I lost the way..

Today I realize, you lied to me..

But your tears I don’t want to see..

the forgiveness, you don’t deserve..

but life is beautiful, I have that love in reserve…

the biggest gift I can give is to forgive..

move away from your life and let you live..

we lost it in the course of time..

now I am breaking this profound rhyme…

one day you will turn around..

and see the things that have come to ground..

I will play hide and seek with you..

Because my love is limited for only a few..

you don’t need my love, i know it..

But someday you’ll understand my bit…

happiness is what I dreamed off..

but now I feel that I am shrugged off..

live moves on as pendulum swings..

I will come back, when the pain will stop to sting..

from your life, I may have signed off..

but you will feel the void when you’ll have no one to think of..

After your entire struggle you try and move to a different path but still emptiness, a void remains in your life. Though the beauty of the memories holds no meanings in your life but still you think of that beauty and try and relive the moments. I relive them by fighting the pain and writing it down by giving it the most beautiful words. I am not a writer but I am still writing….

Thinking beyond the ordinary..

with a gentle wind brushing past my face..

those countless moments of anguish..

those beautiful memories of love..

A storm of thoughts they trigger..

A question that still lingers.

Facing the things that meant the world to me..

but are not in the future to be..

Every morning that I step in..

To a never ending night…

A continuous fight with an emptiness of sorts.

A constant feeling that never stops..

Life of a puppet..

is what I call mine..

emotionally strangled is me..

but with a hope to change everything with an accuracy of a dime..

penning it all down..

the memories in which I drown..

And I say I am not a fighter..

but I am still fighting..

I am not a writer…

But I am still writing…

The dream of that beautiful someone who brings a smile to your face, makes you refuse to come back to reality in the morning. If by chance you don’t meet that person in your dream, wait for the the pacifying night and lie down amidst the stars, you will definitely find that person very close to you. The fact is sometimes you wish your dream may never end and other times the wait for the night glorifies. I hope I have not disappointed my fan….(please ignore the mistakes as cold weather has made me lazy and compelled me to post without the proof read)

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