Confession Of Heart

Twelfth of February, a day when strangeness combined with the loneliness and I found myself striking the keys of the keyboard to fill the room with some sort of cadence to allay that feeling of emptiness that has changed my life upside down. It is that month of the year where you find love brewing out of every corner but somehow my life has no unturned corner left and thus the feeling of emptiness has gripped me. My mind always remains in the practical world and my heart stranded with beauties and their thoughts. They never complement each other, just like two opposite faces of magnet. My heart always gets the better of my mind and Venus being the governing planet, my life has been a journey of falling in and out of love.

What has prompted me to write in this month of love which certainly had an ever lasting impact on me in the past but somehow has lost all its importance? Answer to this question will certainly result in interference of many emotions and my journey in both directions of love. It was very easy for me fall in love every time but that ease of falling in was nowhere to be seen when I discovered the pain of falling out. To recover from that pain, I have always resorted to someone and has resulted in me falling again. My life has always been complex; some have fallen in love with my words and when those words ceased, the phase of falling out started. Once an angel of a fairytale told me to love someone who doesn’t know that you are a master at writing those well intentioned words. Today remembering that beauty and her words brings a smile to my face. I may have ignored her at that point of time but probably she was right, it is the fault of the words that has resulted in the emptiness.

The world will never understand the power of words. My experience with love and hatred has made me experience the might of it. These words can take your heart away, melt it and mold it in a way that you fall in love again. As the strangeness and loneliness has gripped me, I have resorted to these words to break the silence of my life. Just opened the window and fell the evening azure, the breeze just made me remember the most cherished encounter with love. I was in love with her silence, those months when love brewed in my life taught me the power of loving silence. It can overpower any emotion in this world but somehow when my words broke their silence it was again back to a world when words became her preference over me. And now those well intentioned words have stopped coming out and so does the love of her is reaching the natural end.

All this while, I have been in thoughts of someone very different. People say love has a face and even today when I close my eyes I still see her. The phase when I was enjoying my share of love with someone else, her face always existed. She is the one to whom I couldn’t confess, these words built a castle of emotions around her in which she drowned but somehow came to the shore without uttering those words. My words fell short to attract her to my dream filled with emotions of pure love. Even today my words still find her in the core of heart but fail to understand the esoteric relation of life. My dilemma always ends up forming a rhyme and reciting that I have always believed…

What If..

My words find a way..

And tell her that she is the one..

 

What if..

She feels the same emotions..

That I feel..

 

What if..

She was waiting for me to confess,,

With a touch of emotional finesse..

 

What if..

Her heart beats for me..

Like mine beating for her..

 

What if..

She recites the same lullaby..

And her heart and mind rhymes in rhapsody..

 

What if..

She is the way to my dreams..

Breaking the flow of this monotonous stream..

 

What if..

In a parallel universe..

We walk together with every lyrical verse..

 

What If..

This confession compels me..

To write my heart to her..

 

What if..

She denies the feelings..

In which I believe..

Thus bringing an end to that face..

Which has left a beautiful trace..

 

This rise and fall of melody..

The dilemma of what if..

Always finds better of me..

Another try I will give..

My eyes closed, her beautiful face..

These emotions I shall live..

 

NOTE: FICTIONS ARE ALL MINE, FACTS ARE ALL YOURS

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The Story Of Fall

“Reading a lot lately the stories of mills and boons and then I came across to your piece ‘TRUE LOVE + WE’. Reading it I had goosebumps and after finishing it I can definitely say your work is comparable to what I am reading. I haven’t heard about your writer side as the image of you is of a little studious boy who used to run away from girls at school.”  I don’t exactly remember the date but it was in the fall of 2013 when your above feedback just helped me grow as writer. My immediate reaction to your comment was, Thank God! Someone has read it and I jumped in the air out of exuberance that your beautiful words bought. Your words fueled my world of dreams with imagination on one hand and inspiration on the other. As you know Arushi, this was our first interaction and it perhaps began on the perfect note. You remember how quickly I replied to your comment and out of anxiety I dropped you a personal message. I was very lucky that day as you replied instantly and thus started something that acted as a catalyst in transforming my life.

This was the time when mobile internet was mainly of 2g and conversing on facebook was quite cumbersome. At times I had to wait for around 5 minutes for your reply, so in order to get this thing away I asked for your phone number and I had to wait for around 10 minutes for your reply. Yes I got the number and it was not for adding you on whatsapp but to drop a sms which lately have almost become extinct. Before dropping you the message I just checked profile on facebook as I couldn’t recall exactly how you looked or what connection you had with me. Your first picture just set the tone for the things to come, and indeed you are beautiful. I dropped you a message late at night and to be frank I was not expecting a reply. But as the day had panned out for me your reply came and we started chatting about random stuffs. You knew about my friends, brother and my exploits in school which you clearly mentioned in your comment as well. Yes Arushi, I remember that small confusion that you had of confusing my best friend with my brother. And when I told you the name of my brother, you were like the topper, IItian and what not.

Deeper shades of night got better of the conversation and I sensed that you dozed off at around 2am. I dropped a goodnight message that had few lines written for you and asked you to consider it as a token for your effort to go through my blog. The time was rough for me, I was coming out of a relation that lasted four years and had ended on the sorest note possible. You will know better than me about the attraction that I felt for you. In no time we were connected through messages almost the better part of the day. Those compliments given in a flurry were the best part. One night in that eventful fall I was missing you and constantly messaging you but with no replies. The night just worded my thoughts into a poem and I dropped it in your inbox. I was eager to get the feedback but was also wondering where it would take me in the journey towards attracting you to my world of dreams where words were making those sweet lullabies for you. Arushi, you loved the poem and waiting no further I admitted that I liked you and was platonically attracted towards you. You said I was in a haste and must take my time before drawing any steps further and I must admit it was like a setback. I decided not to force the issue further and messaged you an apology with message stating that I was leaving for Banaras.

If I were to say that it all started in Banaras then I will not be wrong. Spending the night at the banks of river Ganges with the breeze brushing past my face I could picture you sitting with me and talking away to glory. Yes I have always loved the way you called my name with all the exuberance, and today while writing about it I can hear your voice and not to mention, just loving it. “I miss you and our chats”, the message I received on the second day of my trip is something that I can recall word by word. I shared each and every detail of the errands with you and sent you pictures of places I visited. There was a sense of joy inside me which was just asking me to everything that required to get that smile on your face. You may not recall the details but for me those moments meant a world to me.

Yes you would call me in the evening and the way you called my name (AVI) was something that became the best part of the day. We somehow developed an understanding and when I went to my first job you were a constant support. I had told you many number of times that you are beautiful and my habit of speaking words from the heart gave way to the proposal on the Valentine’s Day. Yes I know you asked me a question, how would I propose a girl? And when I finished speaking you said yes. The long exile of not able to get those beautiful talks in person came to sand when I decided to join MBA and returned home. I chose a fancy Indian restaurant for the meeting but knowing you I knew that you wouldn’t like the sophistication and the very reason I suggested to move somewhere else. No jokes about my red helmet, the message which got delivered late because of the network and you felt bad because you already did the same that was not required of you.

The bike ride seemed the thing that interested you and so we did go on one and that too towards the hills. To define you I may be short of words but your expressive face which I saw through the rearview mirror was driving me crazy. In between you would lay your hands on me and I felt the warmth of your body which provided an adrenaline rush. After the breeze became cold, you grasped me from behind and came very near to me, I felt your breath on me and just wanted the time to stop on this beautiful juncture. Soon we entered the road going above Bhimtal (Hill station in North India) and then you signaled me to stop for a while. We moved towards a beautiful path, desolate and silent…The path grown with weeds and flowers beds buried under the thorn jungle. I took your hand and landed a kiss on it and to my amazement you didn’t protest. As the sun was setting so was the distance between us. I could still picture how the beautiful you were lighted by the rays of setting sun which just added to your beauty. You came infront of me and with the expressions I could tell that you were asking me to take the first move. I took you in my arms and wrapped your comely body with my hands. Then came the moment which made me believe that dreams do come true. Yes I will never forget the way I tasted you lilac soft, heart shaped lips and how beautiful that moment was when we both didn’t want to end that divine moment. I was nearest to the beauty of my life and how desperately I wanted to lay peacefully in your arms. But as we know all good things come to an end, the sound of people approaching towards us just abated the surreal moment.

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Yes I know this was probably our only meeting that was worth defining but still the bond only got stronger with time. I left for Dubai and you wished we luck, we were connected by various means provided by internet. Dubai chapter came to an abrupt end and to my surprise you too started to maintain a bit of distance from me. Clueless was me but still I didn’t gave up hope of being together. I returned from Dubai and noticed that you have completely forgotten me, and with a dilemma I made a call on your number. With all the emotions you called my name but as we were reaching the end of the conversation you asked for your freedom. I was surprised by your decision of letting something very precious move away from your life and such is my nature, I never protested. Vowed to remain together as friends but still I knew the memories of those glorious days will keep echoing in my heart.

As of today I stand blocked from all forms of communication related to you. Some people say love has a face and whenever I close my eyes I could a picture a girl who I met only once but her trace just lit up my world in the most beautiful way possible. I have more questions than answers but smiling at those question or confusions is something that life has taught me. All that is left is a box of random stuff from a fatal time period when the stranger that I am writing about was the most important person of my life. Those walks are no longer beautiful and those flowers are not blooming with fragrance. The essence of my every errand is missing. Visiting the place where we first met I sit in a corner, I notice a faint me walking past with that jubilant smile. I see a young boy holding hands of a beautiful girl, as I move I see and relive each and every moment spent here….A sudden cry breaks my dream, these moments will never come to sand again…

I think life has separated us, and we will end up in totally different places, I’ll always remember when our paths aligned from the period of time- and I’ll be thankful for that. And hope that, wherever you are, you’ll be thankful too. And I think that’s the best I can wish for if not her.

Disclaimer: This piece of fiction has a close association with one of my friends but still not the entire truth.72178_556928984347873_874920998_n

 

 

Dawn and Dusk

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Life is like stepping into the night..
With darkness being your ally.
In that darkness looking for a ray of light..
And the light being your only hope..
There is a  notion that tells you to give up..
That notion being your only enemy..
When the going gets tough, you find an inspiration..
That inspiration is your solace..
All the while you move ahead..
There is something that pushes you forward..
That something being your source of strength..
That strength at times is a person..
On others it’s just the will to conquer..
With all the strength you wander to conquer deeper and deeper shades of night..
Showing you the way out of every plight..
Conquering your fears, you come out of the dark..
Get mesmerized by the beauty of the dawn..
The journey in you adds a new spark..
As you enjoy every bit of your victory..
Just be informed there will be a jeopardy..
Time is never constant, keeps changing phase…
Leading you to your destination in his own ways..
Time between every dawn to dusk
You live a life..
And in the time between dusk to dawn..
You understand what is life..

An epiphany

Of all the reasons I miss you..

Here is one..

The love, affection and joy..

You bought were second to none..

I was a chained bird..

Dreaming of the sky..

Trapped in the terminal of people..

Ignoring it…

Leaving it alone..

Waiting for it to reach its inevitable end.

It must have made you terribly sad..

The freedom of that bird..

Was the only thing that you heard..

All you did..

Understood that lonely bird..

Taught it to fly..

And inspired it to dream again..

Sometimes you felt for the bird..

And wrote those feelings..

In form of those beautiful songs..

An impulse for it  to stay strong.

The bird flew..

Reached the zenith of the sky..

But missed those beautiful errands..

In its every flight..

Of all the things that I want to give you.

Is the gift of words..

Your own words..

Your way of noticing

And saying plainly

Of not moving back to hurt..

Just moving with the flow..

You have offered them to me..

In the form of memories..

I am only giving them back..

In a song which will rhyme till eternity..